You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2014.

Aries: You’re always looking for the next big thing and not sweating the small stuff. Quit expecting Fort Knox to land in your lap and pay attention to the little shiny bits passing you by.  Your good fortune pops up one nugget at a time.

Taurus: Sometimes bad things happen, but you don’t need a flashing neon sign to warn you. That Bull sensibility means you’re prepared for anything, even zombie weasels with weed-whackers.

Gemini: Feeling stuck? You’re wedged in firmer than a G-string made of duct tape. Get  yourself out of the situation with one quick pull. Oh yes, there will be tears.

Cancer: You’ve been moving so fast you have knocked both the angel and devil off your shoulders. Skip the fortune cookie and ask the oldest man you can find for advice. It may not be valuable, but it will slow your butt down for a few minutes.

Leo: The pen is mightier than the sword, but security is likely to take both away from you before letting you on the plane. Defend yourself with a good book instead. You can quote it or just throw it at someone’s head.

Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you on any magazine covers or Wheaties boxes. Try being a little fast and wobbly. If you’re unsure how to do that, consult the nearest bottle of tequila.

Libra: If someone tells you there’s no wrong answer, they’re not paying attention. On Thursday, avoid saying “Yes, I’ll try the gas station sushi” and “Why no, I have no idea how much trouble I’m in.”

Scorpio: You think you’ve found your groove on the dance floor, but it looks like you’re being randomly electrocuted by an evil ferret. Feel free to let your freak flag fly, but don’t be surprised if it wraps around your head and makes you crash into a wall.

Sagittarius: The beauty of life is in its diversity, but the reality means you’ll follow someone for fifteen minutes to figure out who or what they are. Take a chance and ask them out anyway. Her mustache may tickle your fancy.

Capricorn: If your life lacks direction, forget gurus. Just go to the supermarket. You’ll do better with the instructions on a can of spray cheese than with someone who wants to sell you a $2400 course in lifestyle management.

Aquarius: When you point a finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you. That gives you two extra votes in whatever lame argument you’ve gotten yourself into on Thursday. And no, the thumb doesn’t count, because it wants to stay out of it.

Pisces: You feel like your old self on Tuesday, which is a bummer. You were really hoping for a whole new self this time. Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring you chocolate and a new attitude.

Aries: Someone close to you knows more than they’re telling. Don’t bother with the rubber hose, just whip out that box of wine you’re saving for a special occasion. You’ll get to the bottom of the box and the truth.

Taurus: Being cautious is fine, but you’re moving slower than maple syrup in winter. Quit being a sap when you’re tapped for a decision.

Gemini: Spring is finally on the way, but you should still hold off on wearing that halter top around town. The weather is still a bit chilly, and your plush carpet of back hair is scaring the children.

Cancer: Not everything is about you, but it really should be. Start some really juicy gossip about yourself and have a few meltdowns at the grocery store. You’ll be the center of attention in no time, but you may have to dodge a few butterfly nets.

Leo: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re likely to pull a groin muscle. Crawl up into an office chair and roll your way back to the top. You’ll run over a few toes, but hey, it’s still a comeback.

Virgo: Some people find happiness unexpectedly, but you stalk it like it’s an ex-girlfriend.  Allow more randomness in your life, and fewer restraining orders.

Libra: Forget the inspirational posters; life isn’t a clear-cut path. It’s a series of drunken stumbles and accidental pratfalls, but while you’re recuperating in that ditch you might as well make some friends.

Scorpio: You ponder the unanswered questions, like “Has Smokey the Bear ever seen Bigfoot?” If you write all this down, you’ll have a History Channel series within a year. Enjoy your undeserved fame.

Sagittarius: You think you’re receiving mixed messages, but your sweetie is being very clear. Take your head out of your butt and everything will be Dolby Digital-perfect.

Capricorn: Yes, that first step is a doozy. The second step is a humdinger, the third is a lulu, and the fourth one is just an ass about the whole thing. Maybe you should take the elevator today.

Aquarius: If you can’t be top dog, maybe it’s time to change teams. There’s probably a much shorter line to become top wombat or head moose. If that dog in the Chinese zoo can be a lion, you can be anything you want.

Pisces: Don’t worry about the spotlight right now. In the darkest times, even a candle seems like a lot. See what you need to see and try not to stub your toe. Your days will grow brighter.

Aries: You may see yourself as the badass V8 engine under the hood, but you’re more like the banana in the tailpipe. You still make an impact it’s just hilarious instead of heart-pounding.

Taurus: You have the wings of a falcon, the heart of an eagle and the thighs of a chicken. When you soar to impossible heights you may want to stay there, because if you land, you may be seen as very, very tasty. Avoid older men in bolo ties with bags of spices.

Gemini: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, because you forgot to put your phone on vibrate again. Really, there’s no taking you anywhere, is there? Stay at home for a few nights until the theater usher forgets what you look like.

Cancer: Every day is a new beginning, sometimes it’s just a lousy story. Be grateful that Thursday is flash fiction, because you want to be fresh for Friday night’s spicy chapter.

Leo: There’s a lot of people on the path not taken, you’re just not seeing the foot traffic. Look up and you’ll see scores ziplining above the treetops to destiny. Strap on that harness, because walking is for wussies.

Virgo: If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, it’s better to get a stepladder and move up. That makes it much easier to whack them on the head and drive them down to your original point of view. Bring smelling salts in case the hammer of your opinions is too effective.

Libra: Sexy? Your bedsprings have made more squeaks than a barn full of mice. Use that mojo on Saturday’s hottie, and watch out for mousetraps.

Scorpio: If there’s such a thing as a lucky break, it’s definitely not coming from that loan shark with the baseball bat. Do yourself a favor and avoid investing in those ant farm-powered cell phone chargers.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can slide a webcam under your boss’ locked door, but you can’t unsee what he does with a bird feeder and two pounds of marshmallow cream. Forget therapy, too, because re-enacting it makes the dolls all sticky.

Capricorn: Sometimes the best smiles come from the scraggliest faces, but you’ll never see them if you only look down your own nose. Be kind this week, because karma has a savage sense of humor.

Aquarius: In your hands, trash becomes treasure but a hot glue gun becomes a spontaneous waxing session. For the EMT’s sake, wear pants when doing crafts.

Pisces: You’re so exhausted from the imaginary conversations in your head that you can’t bear talking to a real, live person right now. Start slowly by telling the telemarketer to bugger off and you can work your way up from there.

Aries: For you, a day without love is like a day without a rain of frogs. Watch your lips on Wednesday, though. One kiss could turn you into a hopeless, ribbeting romantic.

Taurus: You know what’s in your heart, and it’s not just plaque from a lifetime of Big Macs and fries. Jog toward what you know is right. At least you’ll get some exercise.

Gemini: Nothing says ‘success’ like a fancy car, a fat wallet and not having to buy thrift store underwear anymore. You’ll earn one of these this week, although the best bet is new undies without someone else’s name written in them.

Cancer: One is the loneliest number but it’s also the cheapest, too. You’ve saved enough on Valentine’s Day alone to splurge on two hours of hot action on your favorite 900 number. Who knew there was someone answering the Butterball Help Line in spring?

Leo: What goes up must come down, so take two steps to the right at 9:13 on Friday. Be a dear and bring a mop, too, so you don’t track that into the office.

Virgo: Sorry, your wildest dreams won’t come true, because that’s some freaky stuff even Lady Gaga can’t handle. But your third mildest dream will pop into reality, so yay for free coffee!

Libra: Most people see sorrow as a long road that must be walked, but you prefer your sadness in one quick, intense wedgie. You’re ready to heal now, so prepare to spend some time pulling at your butt crack.

Scorpio: The early bird may get the worm, but the red-headed pecker who sleeps in gets all the wood. Swing your lumber with pride this weekend and enjoy a well-deserved snooze on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius: The world only seems small until you stick your foot out in it. Lace up those boots and stomp in some puddles, but pack your water wings in case you get in too deep.

Capricorn: You have a notion that could develop into an idea. Treat it with care and feed it properly so it grows up to be a solid plan and not another harebrained scheme. You have enough of those already.

Aquarius: So you’ve had a setback. Quit hiding in your blanket fort and get out there to try again. Even if you don’t succeed, the Internet loves an epic fail, so throw some ads on that YouTube channel and screw up all the way to the bank.

Pisces: Hey, fishy, tired of people tapping on your bowl just to see you freak out? Install a joy buzzer on the glass so you can watch them jump for a change.  Bonus: you won’t have to hide in your castle anymore, you can just keep swimming.

 

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