Aries: Your ability to make mountains out of molehills means you’re invited to all the cool landscaping parties, but it leaves things rocky at home. Put away the shovel before someone hits you with it.
Taurus: If someone throws a wrench into your plans, you have a good idea which monkey did it. If you confront them face to face, you might get a little poo flung at you but you’ll take away the rest of his toolbox.
Gemini: You’ll make the news when your cabin fever boils over and you sprint naked through the snow yelling “I’m a robin! It’s spring!” After the footage airs, you’ll receive four marriage proposals, three nasty emails and an offer to play Naughty Smurf in an adult movie.
Cancer: Forget a spoonful of sugar; bitter pills are best taken with lots of vodka. You’ll lower your diabetes risk, and you’ll soon forget whatever ugly truth you just had to swallow.
Leo: You’ve never been one for introspection, but it couldn’t hurt to do some soul-searching this weekend. Once you realize your inside is just as fabulous as your outside, you’ll be ready for anything.
Virgo: In the karmic race there are winners, losers and the weird ones who throw a party in the parking lot and never show up to the track meet. If you’re carrying a cooler of beer and hot dogs, you know which group you’re in.
Libra: Love can be kind, or it can be cinched up in a leather bustier and holding a whip. If you plan to suffer for love, make sure the other person is worth it and always have a safeword.
Scorpio: Feeling a nip in the air? Don’t blame it on the polar vortex, it’s all on you for breeding those flying piranhas. Expect your week to end up like a cheesy SyFy ‘Sharknado’ movie: everybody will watch, but no one wants to be there.
Sagittarius: You’re on the horns of a dilemma. Climb down from there and get back in the saddle again, before you end up with extra ventilation holes. It’s easier to figure out your troubles when you’re not hanging from the pointy ends of life.
Capricorn: Your Wednesday is looking up, which is why it sees the falling piano before anyone else does. If you have some fast moves, you’ll get through the day just fine.
Aquarius: Sure, my friend, the answer may be blowing on the wind, but it’s just as likely to be stuck on a lint roller. Throw some mental weight behind your own solutions, and you won’t have to worry about fluffballs leaving on the breeze.
Pisces: It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. If people tell you this, remind them of it when you’re chasing them around and swinging a Monopoly board.