Aries:  Forget cherries; life is like a big bowl of peanuts and shellfish, and both make you swell up like a party balloon. If you insist on grabbing the gusto, grab a few epi pens along with it.

Taurus: It’s a long, hard road ahead, but you’ll need more than stamina or determination. Check eBay for lightly used inflatable donuts, because this trip will be tough on the tushie.

Gemini: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.

Cancer: In every life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about snow. Don’t even try to use a smile for an umbrella, just whip out a scowl for a snow shovel and get your grump on.

Leo: You’re facing some hurdles that you just can’t jump. Do more than just think outside the box; stack those boxes up and you’ll skip merrily across any obstacles. Take a bow afterwards, because some jaws will drop.

Virgo: Just because someone tries to pee in your Post Toasties doesn’t mean you should stand there and hold the bowl. Cover your breakfast and sic your leg-humping dog on them; that will definitely interrupt their stream of thought.

Libra: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.

Scorpio: If you do see a bright spot this week, don’t panic. You’re not having a stroke, it’s just that things are finally looking up for you. Take it easy, because the shock of a better life could be too much to bear.

 Sagittarius: Every journey begins with a single step, unless you stay in and Skype. You can follow your path without going outside, and stay within easy reach of nachos and beer.

Capricorn: An unexamined life collects plenty of dirt and grime, and you haven’t given yours a second look in quite a while. Grab a scrub brush and do some navel-gazing; it’s time to go after those lint monsters.

Aquarius: The universe puts on a great show, you just need to find the right theater.  Pay attention, because the cosmic jokes alone are worth the price of admission and you’ll have some zingers for the next cocktail party.

Pisces: When karma gives you a cookie, you always check the underside for extras. Don’t worry, this time there are no strings attached. Enjoy the rare taste of success, even if it’s oatmeal raisin instead of chocolate chip.

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