Aries: You’re in a town where everyone knows your name. That’s great for camaraderie, not so fine when you win the lottery. You are due for a score, although it’s likely to be a free dinner instead of the Powerball jackpot.
Taurus: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.
Gemini: Love will show you the way, but sneakiness knows all the back roads. You’ll get where you’re going and still have time to put on that innocent face.
Cancer: Some people lead the parade of life, others end up following the horses with a giant pooper scooper. You’ll take a lot of crap on Friday, but if you buy an armload of paper bags, you’ll have your luminaries all sorted for next Christmas.
Leo: Just when you’ve tied a knot in your rope so you can hang on, someone comes along to grease it up. Let it go. You’re only an inch above the ground anyway, and you’ll land on your feet.
Virgo: Sometimes your purpose in life feels like a too-small swimsuit: it no longer fits and it really chafes your butt. Don’t worry, new directions come in all shapes and sizes, and most of them are quite the bargain.
Libra: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.
Scorpio: The only way you’ll be a quiet beauty is with duct tape and a makeover, but that’s okay. Somewhere out there is a person who needs a loud, frizzy sweetie who swears like a sailor with a stubbed toe.
Sagittarius: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks. Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.
Capricorn: You’ll find job satisfaction this week, mainly because you’ve started selling your company’s office supplies on eBay. You’ll get that raise, one paperclip at a time.
Aquarius: There’s a hole in your heart, and you can’t fill it with Twinkies, booze or cheap dates. It might help if you saw a doctor instead of trying to install a discount pacemaker with a spoon and an instructional YouTube video.
Pisces: The sun finally comes out on your life, and you’re worried because you can’t find your sunglasses or SPF 30 lotion. Grab a hat so you can face your better day without squinting and relax.