You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2014.
Aries: On Tuesday, you discover you’ve brought a water pistol to the knifefight. Make it work for you by loading that baby with ghost chili hot sauce. You’ll make them scream or ask for chips, but either way, you win.
Taurus: You’ve heard that love is a many-splendored thing, but you’re sure they meant “splintered” instead. Something your sweetie does is sticking in your craw, and not in a good way. Air your differences and wash your undies, and everything will be good again.
Gemini: Something has been niggling in the back of your mind and eating your brain. Corner it, tell it this is why you can’t have nice things, and put it in time out.
Cancer: No one said your path would be easy, but you expected at least a few greasy spoons with wifi. Buckle up, buttercup, because you’ll have to solve this on your own without the help of Google.
Leo: You can be a shining star or a dangerous asteroid; it all depends on how close someone is to you. Do the universe a favor and spend some time in outer space on Wednesday to avoid apocalyptic mishaps.
Virgo: Nothing is impossible, but what you want is so improbable, Carl Sagan needs a few more “billions” in his vocabulary to count your chances. Set your sights on something easier, like time travel or a fight-free family reunion.
Libra: When your folks accuse you of being a couch potato, let it roll off your back like a pat of butter. At least you’re not a baked potato, which really saves on the Cheetos section of the grocery bill.
Scorpio: Know why diamonds are forever? They last just as long as your honey’s ability to remember what you did wrong. You can start out with flowers, but eventually you’ll be at the shinier side of the counter so save your pennies now.
Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’ll discover that a random act of kindness is more deliberate than you think. Don’t let the actor get away, because someone who stocks your car with Nutella is definitely a keeper.
Capricorn: No one knows your pain, which is why you really need a fake Twitter account. Your online portrayal as Steven Segal’s ponytail will be almost as heart-wrenching as your naked interpretive dances on Vine.
Aquarius: Sometimes life can be a deep-fried turd, but on Thursday you’ll crack that bad boy open and discover some nuggets of gold. At least it looks like gold if you don’t put on your glasses.
Pisces: You may be a broken cookie, but at least you’re a Toll House, home-made cookie full of delicious chocolate, not one of those dry, crumbly ones on the discount shelf of the store. Be proud, because you’re uniquely cracked and weird.
Aries: Your ability to make mountains out of molehills means you’re invited to all the cool landscaping parties, but it leaves things rocky at home. Put away the shovel before someone hits you with it.
Taurus: If someone throws a wrench into your plans, you have a good idea which monkey did it. If you confront them face to face, you might get a little poo flung at you but you’ll take away the rest of his toolbox.
Gemini: You’ll make the news when your cabin fever boils over and you sprint naked through the snow yelling “I’m a robin! It’s spring!” After the footage airs, you’ll receive four marriage proposals, three nasty emails and an offer to play Naughty Smurf in an adult movie.
Cancer: Forget a spoonful of sugar; bitter pills are best taken with lots of vodka. You’ll lower your diabetes risk, and you’ll soon forget whatever ugly truth you just had to swallow.
Leo: You’ve never been one for introspection, but it couldn’t hurt to do some soul-searching this weekend. Once you realize your inside is just as fabulous as your outside, you’ll be ready for anything.
Virgo: In the karmic race there are winners, losers and the weird ones who throw a party in the parking lot and never show up to the track meet. If you’re carrying a cooler of beer and hot dogs, you know which group you’re in.
Libra: Love can be kind, or it can be cinched up in a leather bustier and holding a whip. If you plan to suffer for love, make sure the other person is worth it and always have a safeword.
Scorpio: Feeling a nip in the air? Don’t blame it on the polar vortex, it’s all on you for breeding those flying piranhas. Expect your week to end up like a cheesy SyFy ‘Sharknado’ movie: everybody will watch, but no one wants to be there.
Sagittarius: You’re on the horns of a dilemma. Climb down from there and get back in the saddle again, before you end up with extra ventilation holes. It’s easier to figure out your troubles when you’re not hanging from the pointy ends of life.
Capricorn: Your Wednesday is looking up, which is why it sees the falling piano before anyone else does. If you have some fast moves, you’ll get through the day just fine.
Aquarius: Sure, my friend, the answer may be blowing on the wind, but it’s just as likely to be stuck on a lint roller. Throw some mental weight behind your own solutions, and you won’t have to worry about fluffballs leaving on the breeze.
Pisces: It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. If people tell you this, remind them of it when you’re chasing them around and swinging a Monopoly board.
Aries: Forget cherries; life is like a big bowl of peanuts and shellfish, and both make you swell up like a party balloon. If you insist on grabbing the gusto, grab a few epi pens along with it.
Taurus: It’s a long, hard road ahead, but you’ll need more than stamina or determination. Check eBay for lightly used inflatable donuts, because this trip will be tough on the tushie.
Gemini: If someone gives you the stinkeye, a blast of Febreeze in the face usually clears it right up. Of course, there will be lawsuits, medical bills and paperwork, but that one moment will be worth it.
Cancer: In every life some rain must fall, but no one said anything about snow. Don’t even try to use a smile for an umbrella, just whip out a scowl for a snow shovel and get your grump on.
Leo: You’re facing some hurdles that you just can’t jump. Do more than just think outside the box; stack those boxes up and you’ll skip merrily across any obstacles. Take a bow afterwards, because some jaws will drop.
Virgo: Just because someone tries to pee in your Post Toasties doesn’t mean you should stand there and hold the bowl. Cover your breakfast and sic your leg-humping dog on them; that will definitely interrupt their stream of thought.
Libra: Hold on to your dreams this Saturday. They could get away from you, and you’ll need to compare fingerprints to claim them again. Maybe next time you should have your dreams chipped so they are easier to follow.
Scorpio: If you do see a bright spot this week, don’t panic. You’re not having a stroke, it’s just that things are finally looking up for you. Take it easy, because the shock of a better life could be too much to bear.
Sagittarius: Every journey begins with a single step, unless you stay in and Skype. You can follow your path without going outside, and stay within easy reach of nachos and beer.
Capricorn: An unexamined life collects plenty of dirt and grime, and you haven’t given yours a second look in quite a while. Grab a scrub brush and do some navel-gazing; it’s time to go after those lint monsters.
Aquarius: The universe puts on a great show, you just need to find the right theater. Pay attention, because the cosmic jokes alone are worth the price of admission and you’ll have some zingers for the next cocktail party.
Pisces: When karma gives you a cookie, you always check the underside for extras. Don’t worry, this time there are no strings attached. Enjoy the rare taste of success, even if it’s oatmeal raisin instead of chocolate chip.
Aries: You’re in a town where everyone knows your name. That’s great for camaraderie, not so fine when you win the lottery. You are due for a score, although it’s likely to be a free dinner instead of the Powerball jackpot.
Taurus: On Wednesday, you glide along with all the grace of a unicycle with a flat tire. Find someone who can pump your ego along with a few other body parts, and you’ll appreciate the bumps.
Gemini: Love will show you the way, but sneakiness knows all the back roads. You’ll get where you’re going and still have time to put on that innocent face.
Cancer: Some people lead the parade of life, others end up following the horses with a giant pooper scooper. You’ll take a lot of crap on Friday, but if you buy an armload of paper bags, you’ll have your luminaries all sorted for next Christmas.
Leo: Just when you’ve tied a knot in your rope so you can hang on, someone comes along to grease it up. Let it go. You’re only an inch above the ground anyway, and you’ll land on your feet.
Virgo: Sometimes your purpose in life feels like a too-small swimsuit: it no longer fits and it really chafes your butt. Don’t worry, new directions come in all shapes and sizes, and most of them are quite the bargain.
Libra: There’s a question on your mind even Google can’t solve. Take it with you on half-price margarita night. You may not find the right answer, but all the wrong ones will give you a good laugh, as long as you don’t marry one of them.
Scorpio: The only way you’ll be a quiet beauty is with duct tape and a makeover, but that’s okay. Somewhere out there is a person who needs a loud, frizzy sweetie who swears like a sailor with a stubbed toe.
Sagittarius: Just because you have a heart of gold doesn’t mean you should let people pawn you for a few bucks. Have some respect for all your treasures, including your family jewels, and stay off Craigslist for a while.
Capricorn: You’ll find job satisfaction this week, mainly because you’ve started selling your company’s office supplies on eBay. You’ll get that raise, one paperclip at a time.
Aquarius: There’s a hole in your heart, and you can’t fill it with Twinkies, booze or cheap dates. It might help if you saw a doctor instead of trying to install a discount pacemaker with a spoon and an instructional YouTube video.
Pisces: The sun finally comes out on your life, and you’re worried because you can’t find your sunglasses or SPF 30 lotion. Grab a hat so you can face your better day without squinting and relax.