Aries: Instead of climbing the ladder to success, you’re stuck on the pogo stick of getting by. Quit bouncing from check to check and get yourself a footstool. It may not take you far, but it’s a first step.
Taurus: Forget three; lately, just one has been a crowd. You’ve spent far too much time with yourself. Do something fun to get out of your own head. It probably needs a good airing, anyway.
Gemini: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.
Cancer: The universe finally gives you that sign you’ve been asking for, so don’t complain if it says ‘STOP’ and wraps around your bumper. At least it doesn’t say ‘Falling Rock.’
Leo: You’ve never worried about flying too close to the sun, but on Wednesday you should re-apply that layer of thermal paste to your butt. Not only will you be fashionable, you’ll also be sizzle-free.
Virgo: Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. Shocked is what you are when what you want falls into your lap. One small action on Thursday will determine whether you’re experienced or dumbfounded.
Libra: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone expects the cable guy. If he appears on time and in a big red hat to hook up your HBO, you may have fallen into a Monty Python skit. Follow his silly walk and see where it leads.
Scorpio: At 10:16 a.m., Thursday, you will have a moment like no other. Get the diary and camera ready, because you’ll want to record this. Unless you did something incredibly stupid the day before, in which case it won’t happen.
Sagittarius: You are like no other person. You are unique, a special snowflake sparkling in the void of the universe. You’re even different from all the Sagittariuses out there. Whip out that titanium spork and be ready to take on the world this Friday.
Capricorn: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.
Aquarius: You’ll only have peace of mind if you can buy it in a six-pack on double coupon day. Keep that discount card handy, because serenity is the best bargain of all.
Pisces: You’ve forgiven everyone, even the folks who made that ugly sweater, so why not forgive yourself as well? All the voices in your head agree that you would be much easier to live with, so take a butter knife and spread a little kindness across your toasted soul.