Aries: People say each day is a new day, but you’re pretty sure you’ve seen Wednesday before. Look for some scuffing around 5 p.m. and a threadbare noon hour. It may be the same old, same old, but at least you’re recycling.

Taurus: You’re clinging to that New Year’s resolution like it’s the mast of a sinking ship. Even the rats are in a lifeboat and eating pizza again. Keep doing those chin-ups and you’ll swim past them like a champion.

Gemini: Those who do not learn from history are doomed to watch shows about aliens on the History Channel at 2 a.m. Brush up on your past, and you’ll outsmart both your insomnia and the TV.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Mad Men marathon.

Leo: If you can’t seem to catch a break, use different bait. Chocolate works, especially if you use it under one of those boxes propped up with a branch and tied to a string.

Virgo: You’ve never been the life of the party, so don’t feel insulted when your sudden outbreak of fun worries your friends. You don’t need the doctor, but you could use another margarita.

Libra: On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Scorpio: In your heart may be the roar of the tiger, but only the meow of the kitten comes out of your mouth. Don’t worry, your fierceness will come out with a little practice. If you don’t scare anyone, at least you’ll be cute on YouTube.

Sagittarius: Find the beauty in everything, and you’ll be happy. Find the beast, and you’ll probably end up a horror writer. That works too, especially if you score that Stephen King cash level.

Capricorn: There are winners, losers, and the people who pick up the towels afterward. Watch out on Thursday, because you’re one bad decision away from a permanent spot in the laundry.

Aquarius: Everyone knows you love gerbils, but no one expected you to dress them all up in tiny suits of armor and storm the DMV with a little furry army. Check that off the bucket list this week.

Pisces: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

 

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