Aries: You’ll receive a fright when you kick your new year off with a bang. After you change your underwear, you’ll discover it was just a leftover New Year’s popper someone dropped in your boot.

Taurus: Most people resolve to lose weight or quit smoking. If you can just show up somewhere wearing matching socks and shoes, consider it a win.

Gemini: This week you’ll learn it’s not always about you, which is weird. Usually it is all about you, so you’re right to be paranoid when no one’s looking your way.

Cancer: Things become clearer in January, mainly because you’re finally sobering up from the holidays. Stay away from the last of Aunt Ruth’s Breathalyzer-busting Rum Cake, because you haven’t walked a straight line in weeks.

Leo: On Friday you’ll achieve your New Year’s resolution with ease when that troublesome five pounds falls away. You don’t have to tell anyone you did it by shedding nine layers of sweaters and Christmas cookie crumbs.

Virgo: There’s a fine line between insanity and inspiration, and you’re twanging it like a hyperactive banjo player. This creative stuff is new to you, so take it one note at a time, and it won’t sound like  you’re goosing a bear with a weed-eater.

Libra: You don’t have to know all the answers, but it would help if you could solve the easy stuff without looking it up on the Internet. Work those brain cells and quit falling for those ‘weird old tips’ ads.

Scorpio: On Thursday, you’ll finally drop that sour face. Life is sweet, it just never occurred to you to lick it before now.  Don’t do it outside, though, or your tongue will freeze to it.

Sagittarius: A germ of an idea will grow into a full-blown virus this week. Keep your hankie handy, because you’ll be sneezing out innovation and hacking up prosperity. Bless you.

Capricorn: You have a fresh new year, all pristine and clean. Enjoy it before the universe attacks it with finger paint and broken crayons. Or you could just keep it encased in plastic, so you can hose it off and have a sparkling July.

Aquarius: Quit wasting money on some guru with their own bottled water brand. The secrets of life are easy: love, laughter and dry socks. If you’re missing one of these, substitute wine until you find it again.

Pisces: Organization has never been your strong suit. It’s more like an old windbreaker rolled up and stuffed in the corner of the couch. Yank it out, wipe off the Cheetos stains and show off your new attitude in all its rumpled glory.