You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2014.

Aries: Instead of climbing the ladder to success, you’re stuck on the pogo stick of getting by. Quit bouncing from check to check and get yourself a footstool. It may not take you far, but it’s a first step.

Taurus: Forget three; lately, just one has been a crowd. You’ve spent far too much time with yourself. Do something fun to get out of your own head. It probably needs a good airing, anyway.

Gemini: It’s okay to think the moon and stars revolve around you; on a good day, you have quite a gravitational pull. Accept cosmic power with grace and quit throwing comets at people.

Cancer: The universe finally gives you that sign you’ve been asking for, so don’t complain if it says ‘STOP’ and wraps around your bumper. At least it doesn’t say ‘Falling Rock.’

Leo: You’ve never worried about flying too close to the sun, but on Wednesday you should re-apply that layer of thermal paste to your butt. Not only will you be fashionable, you’ll also be sizzle-free.

Virgo: Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. Shocked is what you are when what you want falls into your lap. One small action on Thursday will determine whether you’re experienced or dumbfounded.

Libra: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but everyone expects the cable guy. If he appears on time and in a big red hat to hook up your HBO, you may have fallen into a Monty Python skit. Follow his silly walk and see where it leads.

Scorpio: At 10:16 a.m., Thursday, you will have a moment like no other. Get the diary and camera ready, because you’ll want to record this. Unless you did something incredibly stupid the day before, in which case it won’t happen.

Sagittarius: You are like no other person. You are unique, a special snowflake sparkling in the void of the universe. You’re even different from all the Sagittariuses out there. Whip out that titanium spork and be ready to take on the world this Friday.

Capricorn: It’s okay if the joke’s on you. As long as you can walk away from it without a wedgie, join the laughter. If you do have a wedgie, your laugh might sound a little higher.

Aquarius: You’ll only have peace of mind if you can buy it in a six-pack on double coupon day. Keep that discount card handy, because serenity is the best bargain of all.

Pisces: You’ve forgiven everyone, even the folks who made that ugly sweater, so why not forgive yourself as well? All the voices in your head agree that you would be much easier to live with, so take a butter knife and spread a little kindness across your toasted soul.

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Aries: People say each day is a new day, but you’re pretty sure you’ve seen Wednesday before. Look for some scuffing around 5 p.m. and a threadbare noon hour. It may be the same old, same old, but at least you’re recycling.

Taurus: You’re clinging to that New Year’s resolution like it’s the mast of a sinking ship. Even the rats are in a lifeboat and eating pizza again. Keep doing those chin-ups and you’ll swim past them like a champion.

Gemini: Those who do not learn from history are doomed to watch shows about aliens on the History Channel at 2 a.m. Brush up on your past, and you’ll outsmart both your insomnia and the TV.

Cancer: Sometimes opportunity knocks, other times it just trips you on the sidewalk for laughs. Sure, it can be a jerk, but you only have to let it in, not invite it over for a Mad Men marathon.

Leo: If you can’t seem to catch a break, use different bait. Chocolate works, especially if you use it under one of those boxes propped up with a branch and tied to a string.

Virgo: You’ve never been the life of the party, so don’t feel insulted when your sudden outbreak of fun worries your friends. You don’t need the doctor, but you could use another margarita.

Libra: On Saturday you arrive ready to moisturize and kick butt, and you’re all out of lotion. Seriously, go get some hand cream first. No one wants their butt kicked by someone with dry, scaly skin.

Scorpio: In your heart may be the roar of the tiger, but only the meow of the kitten comes out of your mouth. Don’t worry, your fierceness will come out with a little practice. If you don’t scare anyone, at least you’ll be cute on YouTube.

Sagittarius: Find the beauty in everything, and you’ll be happy. Find the beast, and you’ll probably end up a horror writer. That works too, especially if you score that Stephen King cash level.

Capricorn: There are winners, losers, and the people who pick up the towels afterward. Watch out on Thursday, because you’re one bad decision away from a permanent spot in the laundry.

Aquarius: Everyone knows you love gerbils, but no one expected you to dress them all up in tiny suits of armor and storm the DMV with a little furry army. Check that off the bucket list this week.

Pisces: Although you’ve never shined bright like a diamond, you have sparkled awkwardly like a discount cubic zirconia. It’s all good, as long as you’re twinkling and not twerking.

 

Aries: You’ll receive a fright when you kick your new year off with a bang. After you change your underwear, you’ll discover it was just a leftover New Year’s popper someone dropped in your boot.

Taurus: Most people resolve to lose weight or quit smoking. If you can just show up somewhere wearing matching socks and shoes, consider it a win.

Gemini: This week you’ll learn it’s not always about you, which is weird. Usually it is all about you, so you’re right to be paranoid when no one’s looking your way.

Cancer: Things become clearer in January, mainly because you’re finally sobering up from the holidays. Stay away from the last of Aunt Ruth’s Breathalyzer-busting Rum Cake, because you haven’t walked a straight line in weeks.

Leo: On Friday you’ll achieve your New Year’s resolution with ease when that troublesome five pounds falls away. You don’t have to tell anyone you did it by shedding nine layers of sweaters and Christmas cookie crumbs.

Virgo: There’s a fine line between insanity and inspiration, and you’re twanging it like a hyperactive banjo player. This creative stuff is new to you, so take it one note at a time, and it won’t sound like  you’re goosing a bear with a weed-eater.

Libra: You don’t have to know all the answers, but it would help if you could solve the easy stuff without looking it up on the Internet. Work those brain cells and quit falling for those ‘weird old tips’ ads.

Scorpio: On Thursday, you’ll finally drop that sour face. Life is sweet, it just never occurred to you to lick it before now.  Don’t do it outside, though, or your tongue will freeze to it.

Sagittarius: A germ of an idea will grow into a full-blown virus this week. Keep your hankie handy, because you’ll be sneezing out innovation and hacking up prosperity. Bless you.

Capricorn: You have a fresh new year, all pristine and clean. Enjoy it before the universe attacks it with finger paint and broken crayons. Or you could just keep it encased in plastic, so you can hose it off and have a sparkling July.

Aquarius: Quit wasting money on some guru with their own bottled water brand. The secrets of life are easy: love, laughter and dry socks. If you’re missing one of these, substitute wine until you find it again.

Pisces: Organization has never been your strong suit. It’s more like an old windbreaker rolled up and stuffed in the corner of the couch. Yank it out, wipe off the Cheetos stains and show off your new attitude in all its rumpled glory.