Aries: As the year comes to a close, your best bet for a good 2014 is to buy looser shorts and less duct tape. You’ll see why by Valentine’s Day.

Taurus: That after-Christmas glow lasts for a few more days. It could be that loving family spirit, but most likely it’s due to your Grandpa’s secret recipe egg nog made out in the shed.

Gemini: If your kids can’t get enough of the Hunger Games, drop them off at the store with your returns and wish them luck. May the odds be ever in their favor.

Cancer: Don’t worry if you have no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve. The neighbor’s goat doesn’t mind the lipstick, and it looks rather stunning in sequins. Watch out for beard burn, though.

Leo: In every year a little rain must fall, but you’re really starting to prune up. Take heart, because those water wings can come off in the new year.

Virgo: It’s a time of reflection, so feel free to take a long, hard look at your life. Just don’t do it if you’re near tequila or Facebook, because no one wants to see your sad, drunken posts competing with their own.

Libra: Resolutions, like fortune cookies, are made to be broken. Feel free to tackle world peace and those last, pesky ten pounds, but don’t sweat it if you end up in stretch pants and hiding from the world in a blanket fort by March.

Scorpio: The problem with the road not taken? Terrible wi-fi. You’ll find enough adventure this year without forging a new path through the unknown, and you’ll do it from the comfort of Starbucks.

Sagittarius: Relax if Santa didn’t give you what you wanted; sanity and self-esteem are very hard to stuff in a stocking. But he did give you pictures of Tom Hiddleston on the Internet, and that’s almost as good.

Capricorn: When you feel that life is crumbling around you, grab a trowel and some spackle. Life in the new year may be patchworked, but it’s your unique creation. Even if you did slap it together on a Saturday afternoon.

Aquarius: Love is all around you. Better get a surgical mask in case it’s catching. Find a mask with Hello Kitty printed on it, and it will do double duty in keeping the love bug away.

Pisces: It’s fine if the scales fall from your eyes, just don’t step on them and see where two months of Christmas cookies ended up. For the sake of your butt and your world view, keep those rose-colored glasses on through 2014.