Aries: Don’t ask someone to feel your stocking if that rock-hard lump is just a hunk of coal. Make your sweetie’s season bright by offering up something much warmer and stiffer, like a hot toddy.

Taurus: The thought counts with gifts, but not so much with cooking. Instead of serving up Christmas ham Hot Pockets, shake out that piggy bank and head to the Chinese restaurant. Even Santa loves fortune cookies.

Gemini: Don’t be disappointed when the kids enjoy the box their gift came in more than the actual gadget itself.  At least you got the chance to use your taser on Black Friday.

Cancer: Some people’s holiday spirit comes from the pulpit, some comes from the family, and for others it all comes from a bottle. Hey, whatever gets you to the new year, right?

Leo: Not every celebration is traditional. If your idea of a swinging time is the metal thrash version of the Little Drummer Boy and playing “Will This Fruitcake Stick to the Wall?” then go for it. Just don’t expect the elves to clean those candied cherries off the wallpaper.

Virgo: ‘Tis the season for sharing, but no one wants to see your frozen goodies as you streak through the live nativity scene. Besides, those camels spit, and you don’t want to spend the rest of the day scrubbing that off your butt.

Libra: Family members are like presents: some of them are wrapped too tightly and others are half in the bag. You can’t exchange them, though, so focus on the good bits and be glad Christmas comes just once a year.

Scorpio: You may think Festivus was a character on “Gunsmoke,” but this year you’re willing to give it a try.  Helping your mother-in-law out of the recliner definitely counts as a Feat of Strength.

Sagittarius: Santa can’t swing a PS4 for the kids this holiday, but he will bring them all snowsuits so you can kick their butts out of the house for a while and have some quality time with a bottle of wine. See? Santa cares.

Capricorn: Placing mistletoe in your underwear sounds like a good idea at the office party, but the rash will last much longer than the egg nog buzz. Settle for handshakes and awkward conversation.

Aquarius: Keep the day special and full of fun: don’t forget the batteries!  Yeah, you should probably buy some toys for the kids, too.

Pisces: Some holiday moments stay with you forever, like accidentally seeing Grandma get out of the shower. Hopefully one of those packages under the tree is filled with therapy coupons.

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