You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2013.

Aries: As the year comes to a close, your best bet for a good 2014 is to buy looser shorts and less duct tape. You’ll see why by Valentine’s Day.

Taurus: That after-Christmas glow lasts for a few more days. It could be that loving family spirit, but most likely it’s due to your Grandpa’s secret recipe egg nog made out in the shed.

Gemini: If your kids can’t get enough of the Hunger Games, drop them off at the store with your returns and wish them luck. May the odds be ever in their favor.

Cancer: Don’t worry if you have no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve. The neighbor’s goat doesn’t mind the lipstick, and it looks rather stunning in sequins. Watch out for beard burn, though.

Leo: In every year a little rain must fall, but you’re really starting to prune up. Take heart, because those water wings can come off in the new year.

Virgo: It’s a time of reflection, so feel free to take a long, hard look at your life. Just don’t do it if you’re near tequila or Facebook, because no one wants to see your sad, drunken posts competing with their own.

Libra: Resolutions, like fortune cookies, are made to be broken. Feel free to tackle world peace and those last, pesky ten pounds, but don’t sweat it if you end up in stretch pants and hiding from the world in a blanket fort by March.

Scorpio: The problem with the road not taken? Terrible wi-fi. You’ll find enough adventure this year without forging a new path through the unknown, and you’ll do it from the comfort of Starbucks.

Sagittarius: Relax if Santa didn’t give you what you wanted; sanity and self-esteem are very hard to stuff in a stocking. But he did give you pictures of Tom Hiddleston on the Internet, and that’s almost as good.

Capricorn: When you feel that life is crumbling around you, grab a trowel and some spackle. Life in the new year may be patchworked, but it’s your unique creation. Even if you did slap it together on a Saturday afternoon.

Aquarius: Love is all around you. Better get a surgical mask in case it’s catching. Find a mask with Hello Kitty printed on it, and it will do double duty in keeping the love bug away.

Pisces: It’s fine if the scales fall from your eyes, just don’t step on them and see where two months of Christmas cookies ended up. For the sake of your butt and your world view, keep those rose-colored glasses on through 2014.

Aries: Don’t ask someone to feel your stocking if that rock-hard lump is just a hunk of coal. Make your sweetie’s season bright by offering up something much warmer and stiffer, like a hot toddy.

Taurus: The thought counts with gifts, but not so much with cooking. Instead of serving up Christmas ham Hot Pockets, shake out that piggy bank and head to the Chinese restaurant. Even Santa loves fortune cookies.

Gemini: Don’t be disappointed when the kids enjoy the box their gift came in more than the actual gadget itself.  At least you got the chance to use your taser on Black Friday.

Cancer: Some people’s holiday spirit comes from the pulpit, some comes from the family, and for others it all comes from a bottle. Hey, whatever gets you to the new year, right?

Leo: Not every celebration is traditional. If your idea of a swinging time is the metal thrash version of the Little Drummer Boy and playing “Will This Fruitcake Stick to the Wall?” then go for it. Just don’t expect the elves to clean those candied cherries off the wallpaper.

Virgo: ‘Tis the season for sharing, but no one wants to see your frozen goodies as you streak through the live nativity scene. Besides, those camels spit, and you don’t want to spend the rest of the day scrubbing that off your butt.

Libra: Family members are like presents: some of them are wrapped too tightly and others are half in the bag. You can’t exchange them, though, so focus on the good bits and be glad Christmas comes just once a year.

Scorpio: You may think Festivus was a character on “Gunsmoke,” but this year you’re willing to give it a try.  Helping your mother-in-law out of the recliner definitely counts as a Feat of Strength.

Sagittarius: Santa can’t swing a PS4 for the kids this holiday, but he will bring them all snowsuits so you can kick their butts out of the house for a while and have some quality time with a bottle of wine. See? Santa cares.

Capricorn: Placing mistletoe in your underwear sounds like a good idea at the office party, but the rash will last much longer than the egg nog buzz. Settle for handshakes and awkward conversation.

Aquarius: Keep the day special and full of fun: don’t forget the batteries!  Yeah, you should probably buy some toys for the kids, too.

Pisces: Some holiday moments stay with you forever, like accidentally seeing Grandma get out of the shower. Hopefully one of those packages under the tree is filled with therapy coupons.

Regular readers may have noticed that the horoscopes weren’t updated for a few weeks. Sorry about that, but we lost our home in a fire a month ago, so things have been chaotic and surreal. But we’re doing okay, thanks to family and friends around the world, and I’m able to finally write again. Stay tuned for your Christmas/Festivus/holiday horoscopes in just a few minutes. No matter what your WZ forecast says, I hope you all have a lovely holiday. 🙂

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