Aries:  There’s a fire in your eyes, and you didn’t even sit on a candle. Use that ambition to achieve something you’ve always wanted. Hopefully it’s legal, because there’s no stopping you now.

Taurus: You don’t expect a pot of gold under every rainbow, but some loose change would be nice. Open up that piggy bank, because Friday’s bounty may be more than one ceramic hog can handle.

Gemini: Anyone who says it’s about the journey, not the destination, has never ridden in a clown car with 14 hungover bozos. Pull your life over at the next rest stop and stretch your legs, because there’s more weirdness to come.

Cancer: Tuesday fits you like a worn-out pair of yoga pants: it will be baggy in odd places, and your chakras will show through when you bend over. Oddly enough, you’ll enjoy the stares.

Leo: If wisdom was easy to gain, everybody would tell you what to do. Oh wait, they already do that. Politely listen, then do what you want.  You’re not likely to listen, anyway.

Virgo: Some news creeps up your spine like a cold winter chill. Grab your sweater but keep your cool, because someone’s just blowing smoke up your kilt.

Libra: No need to share the sordid stories of your past to make a point, because your youthful follies would make Charlie Sheen blush. Set someone straight and don’t tell them that you still get letters from both the stripper and the parrot occasionally.

Scorpio: Finding your inner peace may be tougher than remembering where you left the remote. Both let you turn on and tune out for a while, so it’s worth the search. Look under the couch.

Sagittarius: Don’t blame the universe for a brewing storm; you’re the one who grabbed the snowglobe and shook it like a Magic 8-Ball. Hunker down in your tiny castle and wait for things to settle.

Capricorn: Surviving something stupid doesn’t make you an expert, it just makes you very lucky. Quit yelling “Hey y’all, watch this,” and step away from the battery cables and the treadmill.

Aquarius: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a plastic dinosaur taped to your butt and Sharpie tattoos on your face. It’s okay, not everyone masters the whole parenting thing. Good thing you have wine and cookies hidden in the bathroom.

Pisces: Life is a grab bag, and you keep getting the stale candy corn left over from Halloween. Keep reaching; eventually you’ll grab something worthwhile. If the bag is on fire and smells funny, though, walk away.

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