Aries: You’ll receive a special message from the universe on Friday. It won’t arrive by phone, though, so quit checking your texts while you’re driving. Karma has its own version of autocorrect, and it involves a body cast.

Taurus: Life needs a little mystery, whether it’s how chicken nuggets are made or how your sweetie always knows when you’ve done something stupid. If you do find out the answers, you’ll be much more careful with what you put into your mouth.

Gemini: Each new day holds a promise, but all you want is to shake down the weekend for its lunch money. Think twice before giving Sunday a swirlie, because Monday is big, bad and can mess you up.

Cancer: You can burn a candle at both ends, but no one will want to touch your candlestick afterward. Stick to one flame at a time, and save the pouring wax for your 50 Shades of Grey reading group.

Leo:  Don’t believe anyone who says a picture is worth a thousand words. If it’s of your boss and that llama, it’s worth at least two promotions and a parking space.

Virgo: Some may wait for the other shoe to drop, but you’ve already snatched that bad boy out of thin air because it’s on sale. Use your coupon kung-fu on Thursday and you’ll score something hotter than those new stilettos.

Libra: If your world were a fairy tale, you’d be up to your armpits in frogs. When it comes to love, quit looking for a fixer-upper. All you’ll get from the lilypad lad is a wart on your lip and a bad case of swamp-ass.

Scorpio: Quit looking for the worst in life. That light at the end of the tunnel won’t be a train, just a dude with a glowstick and a wiffle bat. Offer him some licorice; he won’t smack you with the bat, but he might sing you some Grateful Dead songs. Still, it’s not as bad as the train, right?

Sagittarius: It’s just your luck: you realize life is a carousel just as you get motion sickness. Grab some Dramamine and hang on to your horse, because this ride will be wild and worth it.

Capricorn: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit bare-knuckling life and get your bounce back.

Aquarius: You haven’t found your place in life, but don’t worry. Who said it was all assigned seating anyway? Pitch a tent anywhere you like, just don’t get caught in the zipper.

Pisces: Sarcasm is a better defense than bubble wrap. You won’t be as coddled, but at least you’ll be popping someone else’s bubbles, not your own.

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