You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2013.

Aries:  There’s a fire in your eyes, and you didn’t even sit on a candle. Use that ambition to achieve something you’ve always wanted. Hopefully it’s legal, because there’s no stopping you now.

Taurus: You don’t expect a pot of gold under every rainbow, but some loose change would be nice. Open up that piggy bank, because Friday’s bounty may be more than one ceramic hog can handle.

Gemini: Anyone who says it’s about the journey, not the destination, has never ridden in a clown car with 14 hungover bozos. Pull your life over at the next rest stop and stretch your legs, because there’s more weirdness to come.

Cancer: Tuesday fits you like a worn-out pair of yoga pants: it will be baggy in odd places, and your chakras will show through when you bend over. Oddly enough, you’ll enjoy the stares.

Leo: If wisdom was easy to gain, everybody would tell you what to do. Oh wait, they already do that. Politely listen, then do what you want.  You’re not likely to listen, anyway.

Virgo: Some news creeps up your spine like a cold winter chill. Grab your sweater but keep your cool, because someone’s just blowing smoke up your kilt.

Libra: No need to share the sordid stories of your past to make a point, because your youthful follies would make Charlie Sheen blush. Set someone straight and don’t tell them that you still get letters from both the stripper and the parrot occasionally.

Scorpio: Finding your inner peace may be tougher than remembering where you left the remote. Both let you turn on and tune out for a while, so it’s worth the search. Look under the couch.

Sagittarius: Don’t blame the universe for a brewing storm; you’re the one who grabbed the snowglobe and shook it like a Magic 8-Ball. Hunker down in your tiny castle and wait for things to settle.

Capricorn: Surviving something stupid doesn’t make you an expert, it just makes you very lucky. Quit yelling “Hey y’all, watch this,” and step away from the battery cables and the treadmill.

Aquarius: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn’t be a plastic dinosaur taped to your butt and Sharpie tattoos on your face. It’s okay, not everyone masters the whole parenting thing. Good thing you have wine and cookies hidden in the bathroom.

Pisces: Life is a grab bag, and you keep getting the stale candy corn left over from Halloween. Keep reaching; eventually you’ll grab something worthwhile. If the bag is on fire and smells funny, though, walk away.

Aries: You can look a gift horse in the mouth, but don’t be surprised if he belches in your face. Just ask to see his driver’s license next time, and you won’t be surrounded with an aura of garlic breath.

Taurus: Love isn’t a race, but it is a fairly vicious game of Chutes and Ladders. Rig the spinner while you can, or you’ll slide on your butt straight down to your next game, ApologyLand.

Gemini:  Just when you finally know all the answers, someone changes the test. You could study up, or spend your days hoarding spitballs so you’ll be the life of the party in detention.

Cancer: What you see as drudge work is actually an opportunity dressed down for casual Friday. Ignore the flip flops and take it out for a spin. You could end up in a new place and still have your wallet and kidneys intact.

Leo: The brightest stars could waltz across the sky and you’ll never know. Take off those sunglasses and look around. There’s no point to being cool if you miss all the best parts.

Virgo:  You’re wrapped so tightly, if you lose a button it could take out two cars on the highway. Untie some of those internal knots before you have a blowout and destroy half of the grocery store.

Libra: Saturday seems like a tight spot, but all you need is a little wiggle room. Shimmy into your best outfit and work it, girl. Your hips don’t lie but they do appreciate a corner office.

Scorpio: It is better to have loved and lost than to keep checking up on your exes via Facebook. If you drop the obsession, you’ll quickly find a new one, thanks to those ever-present Candy Crush invites.

Sagittarius: It’s one thing to be mysterious, but you’re as vague as smog in Beijing. Clear up a few paths so someone can get close to you without toppling over a guardrail.

Capricorn: You can leave things up to Chance, but he’s not even wearing matching socks today. If you want someone else to make your decisions, pick the boss’ receptionist. She knows how to deal with crap.

Aquarius: If you fell into a pile of money, you’d be the one person who gets a quarter lodged in their nose. Work on changing that luck with a few good deeds. Be careful, though; you don’t want karma to accidentally run you down before stopping to offer you a lift.

Pisces: Something you create will catch on like wildfire. Relax and drop the wet blanket, this blaze doesn’t threaten any trees but it could light up your career for a long time.

Aries: You’ll receive a special message from the universe on Friday. It won’t arrive by phone, though, so quit checking your texts while you’re driving. Karma has its own version of autocorrect, and it involves a body cast.

Taurus: Life needs a little mystery, whether it’s how chicken nuggets are made or how your sweetie always knows when you’ve done something stupid. If you do find out the answers, you’ll be much more careful with what you put into your mouth.

Gemini: Each new day holds a promise, but all you want is to shake down the weekend for its lunch money. Think twice before giving Sunday a swirlie, because Monday is big, bad and can mess you up.

Cancer: You can burn a candle at both ends, but no one will want to touch your candlestick afterward. Stick to one flame at a time, and save the pouring wax for your 50 Shades of Grey reading group.

Leo:  Don’t believe anyone who says a picture is worth a thousand words. If it’s of your boss and that llama, it’s worth at least two promotions and a parking space.

Virgo: Some may wait for the other shoe to drop, but you’ve already snatched that bad boy out of thin air because it’s on sale. Use your coupon kung-fu on Thursday and you’ll score something hotter than those new stilettos.

Libra: If your world were a fairy tale, you’d be up to your armpits in frogs. When it comes to love, quit looking for a fixer-upper. All you’ll get from the lilypad lad is a wart on your lip and a bad case of swamp-ass.

Scorpio: Quit looking for the worst in life. That light at the end of the tunnel won’t be a train, just a dude with a glowstick and a wiffle bat. Offer him some licorice; he won’t smack you with the bat, but he might sing you some Grateful Dead songs. Still, it’s not as bad as the train, right?

Sagittarius: It’s just your luck: you realize life is a carousel just as you get motion sickness. Grab some Dramamine and hang on to your horse, because this ride will be wild and worth it.

Capricorn: When others are at the end of their rope, they tie a knot and hang on. You whip out your phone and order a trampoline. Quit bare-knuckling life and get your bounce back.

Aquarius: You haven’t found your place in life, but don’t worry. Who said it was all assigned seating anyway? Pitch a tent anywhere you like, just don’t get caught in the zipper.

Pisces: Sarcasm is a better defense than bubble wrap. You won’t be as coddled, but at least you’ll be popping someone else’s bubbles, not your own.

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