Aries: Sometimes you aim for the sexy mystique of Dracula, but end up as a friendly fruit bat. You can still get a few laughs by seeking out someone with a beehive hairdo.
Taurus: Every dog has its day, but play your cards right and you could squeeze a whole week out of Tuesday. You’ll be thanking the universe for dog years and belly rubs by the time Wednesday rolls around.
Gemini: You may feel like a diamond in the rough, but look at the bright side: at least you weren’t swallowed by a Great Dane. No one would want to polish you after that.
Cancer: On Thursday you feel like a pair of itchy polyester pants in a cool cotton world. You might not be fit for everyday wear, but Lady Gaga would still slap some sequins on your butt and call you pretty.
Leo: It’s better to take life as it comes instead of snatching it from the Universe’s grip and shaking it down for answers. That just crinkles its collar and pisses it off.
Virgo: When you job becomes unbearable, remember that nearly any work situation can be made a little better by sneaking some vodka in the water cooler. Not too much, though; you don’t want someone dancing on your desk and messing up your TPS reports.
Libra: There’s a fine line between practical joke and felony, so put down the duct tape and grab a whoopee cushion. It’s just as funny, and you’ll be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without a hairy cellmate named Bubba.
Scorpio: Your sweetie is sending signals you can’t decipher. Better find a codebook fast, before they escalate to rat-a-tat-tapping their message upside your head.
Sagittarius: Expressing yourself is fine, but bodypainting with pumpkins in the Walmart produce section isn’t the way to do it. Grab your own gourd at home, unless you want to pay for half the town’s therapy.
Capricorn: Three things you’ll need to know for Saturday: bacon grease is hard to wash out of a thong, bulls can be very temperamental and you should always wear your running shoes, even to formal events.
Aquarius: Everything’s cool. The wombat has been paid off, and the parrot promises not to squawk. Don’t buy any tube socks at the swap meet for a while, and you’ll be in the clear.
Pisces: `There’s a reason your deepest desires are buried that far down: your subconscious threw them into the well with good reason. Unless you like weird Korean horror movies, don’t drag those thoughts into the murky light of day.