Aries: It takes two to tango, but you’ll need at least four for a good conga line. If you can’t round up that many partners, then just dance like no one’s watching. Because they’re not.

Taurus: One of your wildest dreams will come true on Thursday. But what will you do with a two-headed zombie who cooks like Gordon Ramsay? Other than hosting the best Halloween dinner party ever, of course. Just make sure everyone can eat and run before they become dessert.

Gemini: Life has its ups and downs, but you’re high-centered on a particularly vicious speed bump. If someone shoves you, don’t get mad; thank them before you zoom down the hill to Easy Street.

Cancer: There are three things you don’t expect: the Spanish Inquisition, to put Baby in a corner, and help from anyone. One of these will happen at work, so practice your ‘surprised’ face.

Leo:  The road not traveled is filled with adventure but woefully lacking in restroom facilities. Pee behind a tree if you have to, just avoid tinkling on a squirrel. They always seek revenge.

Virgo: In every life, a little rain must fall, but locusts and frogs are not part of the program. Find a cozy place to hunker down Sunday until the weather becomes far less hoppy.

Libra: The Right Thing isn’t always a trumpeted activity festooned with prizes; sometimes it’s a quiet command from your soul. Finish it, and somewhere the Universe will double your Air Miles. Whether you can actually cash them in is another matter.

Scorpio: If people knew what they were doing, we wouldn’t have Silly Putty or Honey Boo Boo.  Learn from your mistakes; either they’ll pay off, or you’ll just create some frightening mutant to haunt everyone’s dreams.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll make a difference in someone’s life by telling them what you really think. It may shock them, but not everyone should wear tube tops and spandex to Walmart. You’re doing everyone a favor, really.

Capricorn: Each day is a blessing, but Monday really comes through when you start training a raccoon to steal your neighbor’s newspaper. Remember to laugh maniacally while getting your rabies shots.

Aquarius: Today seems like a brutal challenge, but you can get through this. The barista forgetting the whipped cream on your pumpkin spice coffee feels like the end of the world, but it’s not. That happens when you can’t get the latest Miley Cyrus video out of your head.

Pisces: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Actually, it will just be a gang of ticked-off mice picketing on your front lawn, but why risk it? Work on something the world really needs, like a way to keep your Grandma’s pole-dancing class photos off your Facebook timeline.

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