Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.

Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.

Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.

Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear. OK, any underwear. Your 15 minutes of fame could be a crotch shot on TMZ.

Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey adamantium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.

Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, they won’t last long.

Libra: If all you want is to be an ass, do nothing and get paid, your choices are to become a stubborn mule or go to Congress. Those are drastic steps, so work up to them by getting a reality show first. At least you’ll be worth watching.

Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the TV ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.

Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that supervillain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.

Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.

Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic Tums can’t handle.

Pisces: You’ve come so close to success so many times, you can smell the cigars. Who wants one of those nasty things anyway? On Friday, you’ll finally wrap your fingers around something more substantial.

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