You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2013.

Aries: Sometimes you aim for the sexy mystique of Dracula, but end up as a friendly fruit bat. You can still get a few laughs by seeking out someone with a beehive hairdo.

Taurus: Every dog has its day, but play your cards right and you could squeeze a whole week out of Tuesday. You’ll be thanking the universe for dog years and belly rubs by the time Wednesday rolls around.

Gemini: You may feel like a diamond in the rough, but look at the bright side: at least you weren’t swallowed by a Great Dane. No one would want to polish you after that.

Cancer: On Thursday you feel like a pair of itchy polyester pants in a cool cotton world. You might not be fit for everyday wear, but Lady Gaga would still slap some sequins on your butt and call you pretty.

Leo: It’s better to take life as it comes instead of snatching it from the Universe’s grip and shaking it down for answers. That just crinkles its collar and pisses it off.

Virgo: When you job becomes unbearable, remember that nearly any work situation can be made a little better by sneaking some vodka in the water cooler. Not too much, though; you don’t want someone dancing on your desk and messing up your TPS reports.

Libra: There’s a fine line between practical joke and felony, so put down the duct tape and grab a whoopee cushion. It’s just as funny, and you’ll be able to enjoy Thanksgiving without a hairy cellmate named Bubba.

Scorpio: Your sweetie is sending signals you can’t decipher. Better find a codebook fast, before they escalate to rat-a-tat-tapping their message upside your head.

Sagittarius: Expressing yourself is fine, but bodypainting with pumpkins in the Walmart produce section isn’t the way to do it. Grab your own gourd at home, unless you want to pay for half the town’s therapy.

Capricorn: Three things you’ll need to know for Saturday: bacon grease is hard to wash out of a thong, bulls can be very temperamental and you should always wear your running shoes, even to formal events.

Aquarius: Everything’s cool. The wombat has been paid off, and the parrot promises not to squawk. Don’t buy any tube socks at the swap meet for a while, and you’ll be in the clear.

Pisces: `There’s a reason your deepest desires are buried that far down: your subconscious threw them into the well with good reason. Unless you like weird Korean horror movies, don’t drag those thoughts into the murky light of day.

Aries: It takes two to tango, but you’ll need at least four for a good conga line. If you can’t round up that many partners, then just dance like no one’s watching. Because they’re not.

Taurus: One of your wildest dreams will come true on Thursday. But what will you do with a two-headed zombie who cooks like Gordon Ramsay? Other than hosting the best Halloween dinner party ever, of course. Just make sure everyone can eat and run before they become dessert.

Gemini: Life has its ups and downs, but you’re high-centered on a particularly vicious speed bump. If someone shoves you, don’t get mad; thank them before you zoom down the hill to Easy Street.

Cancer: There are three things you don’t expect: the Spanish Inquisition, to put Baby in a corner, and help from anyone. One of these will happen at work, so practice your ‘surprised’ face.

Leo:  The road not traveled is filled with adventure but woefully lacking in restroom facilities. Pee behind a tree if you have to, just avoid tinkling on a squirrel. They always seek revenge.

Virgo: In every life, a little rain must fall, but locusts and frogs are not part of the program. Find a cozy place to hunker down Sunday until the weather becomes far less hoppy.

Libra: The Right Thing isn’t always a trumpeted activity festooned with prizes; sometimes it’s a quiet command from your soul. Finish it, and somewhere the Universe will double your Air Miles. Whether you can actually cash them in is another matter.

Scorpio: If people knew what they were doing, we wouldn’t have Silly Putty or Honey Boo Boo.  Learn from your mistakes; either they’ll pay off, or you’ll just create some frightening mutant to haunt everyone’s dreams.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll make a difference in someone’s life by telling them what you really think. It may shock them, but not everyone should wear tube tops and spandex to Walmart. You’re doing everyone a favor, really.

Capricorn: Each day is a blessing, but Monday really comes through when you start training a raccoon to steal your neighbor’s newspaper. Remember to laugh maniacally while getting your rabies shots.

Aquarius: Today seems like a brutal challenge, but you can get through this. The barista forgetting the whipped cream on your pumpkin spice coffee feels like the end of the world, but it’s not. That happens when you can’t get the latest Miley Cyrus video out of your head.

Pisces: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Actually, it will just be a gang of ticked-off mice picketing on your front lawn, but why risk it? Work on something the world really needs, like a way to keep your Grandma’s pole-dancing class photos off your Facebook timeline.

Aries: True, there’s no place like home, especially since the wide side of a frying pan is waiting for your head. Before you cross that threshold, drop by the flower shop to make things right. Or, knowing your mouth, just head straight to the jeweler’s.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you can see things no one else can. Ghosts? No. Unicorns? No. But you swear you can see a long future with your current job. Before you give up another opportunity, clean your glasses.

Gemini:  The universe has a special evening planned for you this week. It may not include wine and candles, but there’s a good chance it will involve a camel, some Ben Gay and a flashlight.

Cancer: Life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Slap some Band-Aids over those nipples, gulp some water and get back out there before a 90-year-old hairy dude in bike shorts claims your medal. No one wants to see that.

Leo: There are three valued skills in this world: the ability to speak up, the ability to keep your mouth shut and the wisdom to know which one is needed. You have only two of these qualities, so watch your step on Friday.

Virgo: You have a decision to make, but remember not everything is black and white. Some things are in shades of pea green purple and fuschia, with rhinestone accents. The right choice may not be clearly marked, but it is fabulous.

Libra: Spicing things up in the bedroom is fine, but adding habenero to the whipped cream is not.  Start with a spatula and some apricot jam, but stay away from the 50 Shades of Gray stuff unless you have a Boy Scout on call to untie the knots.

Scorpio: You’re feeling sassier than Oprah visiting her bank vault. You may not have her millions, but you have attitude. That’s worth at least $1.25 and a whistle from the homeless guy.

Sagittarius: The universe has all the answers, they just aren’t the answers you’re seeking. If you want to know the meaning of life, expect to hear all about the kookaburra.  Experts suspect the universe is stoned. Sacrifice a bag of Cheetos if you want real truth.

Capricorn: You’ve come a long way, baby, and you look it. Buy yourself some new shoes and sharpen that wardrobe; something’s headed your way, and you should be dressed to kill. Axe optional.

Aquarius: Nothing says love like diamonds, but a box of donuts says “Hey, at least I remember where you live.” Spark that passion, baby, and see if your honey is up for a game of ring toss.

Pisces:  You may be mild, but when backed into a corner, you have the tenacity of a threatened cricket. If you can’t overpower your foes, disarm them with absurdity. No one expects a cricket to steal their switchblade.

Aries: Life doesn’t gently hand you lemons, it shoots them at your head from a T-shirt cannon. Grab a bat and send that citrus over the fence on Friday, because you’ve had enough lemonade.

Taurus: Nothing can stop you now! Except for a speed bump, a roadside taco stand or your own bull-headedness. Chum up to the Cowardly Lion for a bit of courage to follow those bizarre dreams of yours.

Gemini: Just like Bullwinkle, you don’t know your own strength. You may think you’re pulling a single fluffy rabbit out of your hat, but it could be the Easter Bunny and his Ninja Turtle Friends. Everyone will expect big things from you for a while.

Cancer: Your moment in the spotlight is coming, so make sure your socks & shoes match and check your teeth for spinach. Also, put on your best underwear. OK, any underwear. Your 15 minutes of fame could be a crotch shot on TMZ.

Leo: Don’t worry about the sun melting your wings this week; you’re flying high and you upgraded to those pricey adamantium wings. Enjoy the view and remember the little people. From up there, they’re all little people.

Virgo: Yes, a good offense can replace your sagging defense, but don’t underestimate the power of running away. It’s a great cardio workout and extends your life to another day. Don’t worry about the name-callers, they won’t last long.

Libra: If all you want is to be an ass, do nothing and get paid, your choices are to become a stubborn mule or go to Congress. Those are drastic steps, so work up to them by getting a reality show first. At least you’ll be worth watching.

Scorpio: Hard work is fine, but your kids are calling the TV ‘Mommy.’ Take a break and spend some time with the family. They can either drive you up the wall now, or drive you to the rest home later.

Sagittarius: Some people just want jewels for their beauty. When you score a diamond, you’re thinking how to create a laser. Use that supervillain brain on a project at work Thursday. You’ll be one step closer to your own volcano lair.

Capricorn: Can’t find your groove? It’s usually in the last place you left it. If it’s not in the couch cushions, check 1992. Once you clean the grunge off it, you’ll find it still works pretty well.

Aquarius: If life is but a dream, you really need to lay off the anchovy pizza while you’re reincarnating. Thursday brings a big belch of weirdness than even cosmic Tums can’t handle.

Pisces: You’ve come so close to success so many times, you can smell the cigars. Who wants one of those nasty things anyway? On Friday, you’ll finally wrap your fingers around something more substantial.

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