Aries: You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice.
Taurus: Don’t think of yourself as a bull in a china shop. This week you’re more of a hedgehog in a Silly Putty factory, because everything will gum you up and make you rather sticky. Bring wet wipes.
Gemini: An unfortunate sporting accident makes you rethink your career, but don’t give up. Steve Martin made the arrow-through-the-head look successful, you can do something special with that puck up your butt.
Cancer: The best things in life may be free, but somewhere in that perfect day someone will want your debit card. Be prepared for some overtime on Thursday, unless you can pay the piper with coupons.
Leo: Not only do you have a new lease on life, but you also get free financing and no payments until June. Right now every day comes with a sun roof; stick your neck out and enjoy the light.
Virgo: You are a Rubik’s Cube: small and annoying to everyone except children and geniuses. Show everyone your true colors, and maybe people won’t be tempted to peel your stickers.
Libra: True beauty isn’t how you look, it’s what you show to a child. Mainly that you show the brat to a time out corner, so everyone else can have some peace and quiet. That’s beautiful.
Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like the Spanish Inquisition: no one expects you and your biggest threat is a comfy chair. Look at the bright side, at least you have a nifty hat.
Sagittarius: Saturday brings a tough decision: do you want the peanut brittle, or the chocolate-covered almonds? Either way you go, you’ll spend the day picking your nuts.
Capricorn: After a Miley Cyrus song gets stuck in your head for 48 hours, you are no longer responsible for your actions. Don’t worry, the badger won’t press charges if you pay for his therapy.
Aquarius: What you think will be a tiptoe through the tulips will become more of a frantic run through the man-sized Venus Flytraps. Keep moving and remember to zigzag, or you’ll be a bouquet banquet.
Pisces: The smart money may be on the other guy, but you bring dumb luck to the table. Stay in the game long enough, and a meteor may take out your competition.