Aries: If someone says you have a great personality, don’t take it as insult. They just don’t know you yet. Give them time to realize your appearance is your strong suit, no matter what you look like.

Taurus: Life isn’t a rose garden. It’s more of a Predator jungle adventure where tree branches are really snakes and if you’re lucky, you’ll be covered in mud. Channel your inner Schwarzenegger and you just might make it.

Gemini: You’re usually not one for steely inner strength, but for this latest project you’re digging so deep, you may strike oil. Keep yourself contained and enjoy the profits.

Cancer: A person in your life is a giver. So far, they’ve gifted you with migraines, a permanent twitch and a slight case of insanity. Become a taker; take a broom and some initiative and chase them around until you feel better or they leave. It’s a win either way.

Leo: Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. It also explains why most days don’t fit, are obsolete, or are as useful as a Charlie Sheen chastity belt. When Wednesday binds in all the wrong places, exchange it.

Virgo: Don’t struggle with your emotions. Wait for them in a dark alley and grab them in a headlock. Why wait years for inner peace to float down when you can just kneecap it and save some time?

Libra: Fame doesn’t always come to the brightest and the best. Sometimes it descends on the weirdest, so straighten that tinfoil hat, put on your best baloney underwear and go make your mark in the world.

Scorpio: Someone is trying to put out your smoldering sensuality. That’s not rain hitting your head, so tell them to zip up and move on. You’re so hot, even Smokey the Bear approves.

Sagittarius: You try to seize the day and it slaps you with a restraining order. Don’t worry, Charlie Brown, you may never kick the football but you’re really awesome at falling. If you fail, fail with style.

Capricorn: Fortune smiles on you this Thursday. Smile back and check the sidewalk for banana peels; fortune may be anticipating a good belly laugh, too.

Aquarius: Be glad you don’t know it all. People who have all the answers never get asked out for trivia night at the bar. However, they are invited for Vegas gambling trips, so you could try a little harder.

Pisces: Nothing screams ‘success’ like a new wardrobe. Or a psychotic parrot. Either one would shake up your routine, although you would probably look better with the bird.

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