You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2013.

Aries: If you weren’t so tired from jumping to conclusions, you could leapfrog over that latest hurdle at work. Rest up, because you’ll have another chance to take the plunge soon, and that water will be colder than your boss’ heart.

Taurus: So you’re not the center of the universe. There’s probably a planet-ripping explosion happening there anyway. Enjoy your quiet corner, just don’t fall asleep and slip into a black hole.

Gemini: Nothing says ‘party’ like tequila-flavored ice cream. Although the worms were a nice touch, you’re probably not cut out to be a party planner for kids’ birthday celebrations. Not until rehab, anyway.

Cancer: If you’re very still, you can see the beauty of the universe in a single rose. If you have the money, though, why not take a limo and see all the gardens? That way, you can see who trims their hedges and who doesn’t.

Leo: In each life a little rain must fall, but leave it to you to grab the titanium golf umbrella. Lower the armor for a little while, and some new ideas might sprout at your feet.

Virgo: Knowing your place in the world is fine, but it’s just a temporary spot, not a permanent address. Keep looking for greener pastures, even if you have to carry in the Astroturf yourself.

Libra: You’re ready to kick butt and take names, but you forgot both your pencil and your boots. You can still laugh at people’s outfits, though. That always cheers you up.

Scorpio: Everything can be unicorns and rainbows, or horses with pointy edges and wet streets. Depends on how you look at it. Sure, you might step in a puddle if you reach for a rainbow, but a wet foot is worth free Skittles.

Capricorn: Some of your accomplishments are etched in stone, while others are deleted by a cosmic cat running across the keyboard of the universe. Keep working at it; your best efforts will gather attention on Wednesday. The rest of them will puzzle archeologists for centuries to come.

Sagittarius: Quit searching for enlightenment outdoors; what you want is deep inside. That’s where the aliens buried your implant. Explains a lot, especially your love of Honey Boo Boo and deep-fried bananas.

Aquarius: Something burns deep within you. Could be a new passion, or it could be last night’s Sriracha chili. Either way, it’s going to keep you up at night until you do something about it, so get going.

Pisces: You’ve always seen reality as a spice to be used lightly instead of a daily staple. That view serves you well this week when others are binging on their crapola stew.

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Aries: You’re feeling as out of place as granny panties on Lady Gaga. Shed those layers of pretense and let your personality go au naturel. You may not make any new friends, but the breeze feels nice.

Taurus: Don’t think of yourself as a bull in a china shop. This week you’re more of a hedgehog in a Silly Putty factory, because everything will gum you up and make you rather sticky. Bring wet wipes.

Gemini: An unfortunate sporting accident makes you rethink your career, but don’t give up. Steve Martin made the arrow-through-the-head look successful, you can do something special with that puck up your butt.

Cancer: The best things in life may be free, but somewhere in that perfect day someone will want your debit card. Be prepared for some overtime on Thursday, unless you can pay the piper with coupons.

Leo: Not only do you have a new lease on life, but you also get free financing and no payments until June.  Right now every day comes with a sun roof;  stick your neck out and enjoy the light.

Virgo: You are a Rubik’s Cube: small and annoying to everyone except children and geniuses. Show everyone your true colors, and maybe people won’t be tempted to peel your stickers.

Libra: True beauty isn’t how you look, it’s what you show to a child. Mainly that you show the brat to a time out corner, so everyone else can have some peace and quiet. That’s beautiful.

Scorpio: On Friday, you’re like the Spanish Inquisition: no one expects you and your biggest threat is a comfy chair. Look at the bright side, at least you have a nifty hat.

Sagittarius: Saturday brings a tough decision: do you want the peanut brittle, or the chocolate-covered almonds? Either way you go, you’ll spend the day picking your nuts.

Capricorn: After a Miley Cyrus song gets stuck in your head for 48 hours, you are no longer responsible for your actions. Don’t worry, the badger won’t press charges if you pay for his therapy.

Aquarius:  What you think will be a tiptoe through the tulips will become more of a frantic run through the man-sized Venus Flytraps. Keep moving and remember to zigzag, or you’ll be a bouquet banquet.

Pisces: The smart money may be on the other guy, but you bring dumb luck to the table. Stay in the game long enough, and a meteor may take out your competition.

Aries:  You have a great idea on Tuesday. Cradle that sucker in bubble wrap and tend to its needs, or it will be you and that egg from Parenting class all over again. Made a good omelet, though.

Taurus: If you put a thousand monkeys in a room stocked with a thousand typewriters, and gave them whiskey, they couldn’t write anything as weird as Saturday. They might, however, write the next “50 Shades of Grey” and make you a millionaire.

Gemini: Violence isn’t the answer, although lately you’ve been thinking it’s a great suggestion. Try to talk out your problems first. When that doesn’t work, go ahead and dive into an all-out food fight.

Cancer: When a stroke of good fortune comes your way, don’t grab the brush and try to paint over your whole life. The universe is a very temperamental artist.

Leo: You might as well be in Norway, because the sun never sets on opportunity right now. Work while you’ve got the light, and don’t let that wide smile get sunburned.

Virgo: A window doesn’t always open when a door closes. Sometimes you just sit in the dark and wonder where you left the matches. Take time for a little introspection, but don’t stay too long, otherwise you’ll hiss like a vampire when the exit sign finally lights up.

Libra: It’s easier to face your fears than to keep dodging them like a private eye from late night TV. Once you see them up close, you’ll realize they’re a lot shorter in real life.

Scorpio: Patience is a virtue, but since your undies are flying like a pirate flag, that ship has sailed. Keep your temper in check when you do the walk of shame down the plank.

Sagittarius: There’s no accounting for taste, which is good considering the style checks you’ve been bouncing out of your closet. Cash in those Daisy Dukes and tube top for something that covers your assets and keeps children from screaming.

Capricorn: The mighty have fallen at your workplace, but take comfort: the crater they left would make a great company swimming pool. Bring it up at the next meeting and you’ll get that promotion.

Aquarius: Everything won’t come up roses, but there’s some lavender, basil and something growing on the back forty that really mellows out the cows. Spend some time in the garden, after you buy a truckload of Cheetos for Bossie.

Pisces: Change isn’t always a bad thing; it runs the washing machines and makes sure you get the good chips out of the vending machine for lunch. Give it a chance when it shakes up your routine on Sunday. You may reap far more than a few quarters.

Aries: If someone says you have a great personality, don’t take it as insult. They just don’t know you yet. Give them time to realize your appearance is your strong suit, no matter what you look like.

Taurus: Life isn’t a rose garden. It’s more of a Predator jungle adventure where tree branches are really snakes and if you’re lucky, you’ll be covered in mud. Channel your inner Schwarzenegger and you just might make it.

Gemini: You’re usually not one for steely inner strength, but for this latest project you’re digging so deep, you may strike oil. Keep yourself contained and enjoy the profits.

Cancer: A person in your life is a giver. So far, they’ve gifted you with migraines, a permanent twitch and a slight case of insanity. Become a taker; take a broom and some initiative and chase them around until you feel better or they leave. It’s a win either way.

Leo: Each day is a gift, that’s why they call it the present. It also explains why most days don’t fit, are obsolete, or are as useful as a Charlie Sheen chastity belt. When Wednesday binds in all the wrong places, exchange it.

Virgo: Don’t struggle with your emotions. Wait for them in a dark alley and grab them in a headlock. Why wait years for inner peace to float down when you can just kneecap it and save some time?

Libra: Fame doesn’t always come to the brightest and the best. Sometimes it descends on the weirdest, so straighten that tinfoil hat, put on your best baloney underwear and go make your mark in the world.

Scorpio: Someone is trying to put out your smoldering sensuality. That’s not rain hitting your head, so tell them to zip up and move on. You’re so hot, even Smokey the Bear approves.

Sagittarius: You try to seize the day and it slaps you with a restraining order. Don’t worry, Charlie Brown, you may never kick the football but you’re really awesome at falling. If you fail, fail with style.

Capricorn: Fortune smiles on you this Thursday. Smile back and check the sidewalk for banana peels; fortune may be anticipating a good belly laugh, too.

Aquarius: Be glad you don’t know it all. People who have all the answers never get asked out for trivia night at the bar. However, they are invited for Vegas gambling trips, so you could try a little harder.

Pisces: Nothing screams ‘success’ like a new wardrobe. Or a psychotic parrot. Either one would shake up your routine, although you would probably look better with the bird.

Aries: Some people are rubber, some are glue, but you’re thrift store Teflon, so not even you know what will stick. Be safe and avoid anyone with eggs, especially chicken supervillains.

Taurus: The Big Bad Wolf is actually a Chihuahua with attitude, so you can relax about that big meeting at work. Wouldn’t hurt to carry some doggie treats, though, because the bark isn’t as bad as the bite.

Gemini: Your dreams are full of million-dollar ideas, so keep a pen and paper by your bed on Tuesday. Someone, somewhere, would pay for Justin Timberlake-flavored tongue depressors.

Cancer: Life is a series of moments, and the one at 3:09 p.m. Wednesday will take you by surprise. Pack some clean underwear and possibly an alibi.

Leo: Knowing all the answers won’t win you points, but stumping the teacher with some questions of your own might do the trick. Cross your fingers and hope your guru doesn’t have Google.

Virgo: You draw all the attention on Saturday, but your so-called friend shows up to the party with an eraser. Make that mojo permanent with a Magic Marker, and she’ll never close her eyes around you again.

Libra: Lighten up, because it’s not about winning; what matters is how you play the game. And who has the most followers on Twitter. That totally counts, too.

Scorpio: The truth can be hard to swallow, which is why bars and taverns exist. If you can’t handle that bitter little pill, wash it down with a pina colada or two. At closing time you’ll likely acquire a whole new set of ugly truths that will distract you from the initial one.

Sagittarius: Everyone in your crowd is a superhero, but your friends are the Justice League while you’re the Wonder Twin who can turn into a puddle. At least you can get the bad guys’ socks unpleasantly damp while everyone else saves the world.

Capricorn: When it comes to a project, there’s the wrong way, the right way and your way. Guess which one requires duct tape, four clothes hangers and an empty ice cube tray? If you can’t conquer your competition, you can definitely confuse them.

Aquarius: You’re jumpier than Larry the Cable Guy wearing a poison ivy thong. Say something embarrassing if you wish, because it won’t be your face that’s red. You’ll find your true friends when you mention the word “lotion.”

Pisces: Just when you least expect it, the universe throws you a party with cake, balloons and presents. If you’ve been very good, you might even be invited this time.

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