Aries: No one expects you to be MVP, but the least you could do is show up to the game. Tailgating in the parking lot and making it to first base with the other team’s mascot does not count.
Taurus: The kids are back in school, so you can catch up on all those racy movies you’ve been saving on Netflix. Remember to keep the volume down, or the postman will think you either have an exciting social life or your private parts caught in a salad shooter.
Gemini: A well-spoken word will take you far on Thursday, but silence will get you that promotion. Your boss knows you don’t need to speak, because those embarrassing pictures are worth several thousand words.
Cancer: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.
Leo: Congratulations, the world is discovering how awesome you are! Now that it’s beating a path to your door, you can stop sending out those portfolios and headshots every few days. Not only is fame great, it also saves postage.
Virgo: Someone gives you a sly wink, but check their intentions before you rip off your underwear in the middle of the grocery store. They may find you hot, or it could be allergy season.
Libra: You have all the right moves, you just use them in all the wrong places. Doing the chicken dance is fine at your cousin’s wedding, but very wrong while you’re waiting for a table at a posh restaurant. Eh, you’ve had worse first dates.
Scorpio: If you’re not going to use your good fortune, at least take it out for a few margaritas and some karaoke. Might as well make it a happy and wasted opportunity.
Sagittarius: The good news is that rash will heal. The bad news? Everyone in that doctor’s waiting room is now emotionally scarred. You really didn’t have to bring the box of ferrets with you and drop your pants to show how you got the rash.
Capricorn: Life doesn’t tie things up in neat little bows, it takes a ball of yarn, covers it with Super Glue and unravels it throughout everything you hold dear. You’ll need a pair of scissors if you want a clear path.
Aquarius: You’ll invent the newest dance craze when you accidentally walk barefoot across your kid’s Legos and someone catches it all on video. Enjoy being a one-hit wonder, because that’s a hard act to follow.
Pisces: You’re extremely focused on your –look, a squirrel!—goal this week, and nothing will distract—hey, candy!—you from reaching your—cool, a cat video!—destination. Keep up the almost commendable work.