Aries: At this rate, the only way for you to be enlightened is for someone to stick a candle in your ear.  Get a clue and leave the dripping wax out of your lap. Hair removal should be done by professionals.

Taurus: No one said this job would be easy, although you’re sure there’s something in the fine print. Put down the magnifying glass, sharpen your horns and tear through the hard work.  Promotions are better than easy any day.

Gemini: If angels dance on pinheads, what’s doing the shimmy on the back of your neck? Could be a premonition or maybe you need to move your chair away from the air conditioner.

Cancer: You’re used to straight lines and open doors, but Wednesday is a crazy straw of crawlspaces. Go ahead and grab some knee pads; it’s time you got a little dirty.

Leo: You’ve always suspected the universe had a super-secret VIP room, and you’ve just spotted the velvet rope. Keep working those connections, because your name will be on the guest list soon.

Virgo: Good luck pops up where you least expect it on Thursday. If you’re playing ‘whack-a-mole’ with your day, you could knock it right out of the picture, so stay sharp.

Libra: Love can be filled with roses and soft words, or it can be sticky and smell faintly of soggy Cheerios. You’ll be offered both this week, so take the one you really want.

Scorpio: Some people walk the path less traveled, but your idea of adventure is riding a Rascal on the Interstate. It’s been fun so far, but find an exit soon before you become a hood ornament.

Sagittarius: It’s the little things in life that count, like a smile from a child, a picture made of macaroni, or discovering pasta and glue smeared all over your new kitchen. Hope there’s room on your gold card for wine, therapy and glue remover.

Capricorn: You’re faced with a difficult decision at work. Be considerate and go behind closed doors before you whip out your problem-solving method of “Rock Paper Lizard Scissors Spock.” If you look too silly, people will think you’re manager material.

Aquarius: Feel free to go find your groove this weekend, just don’t stay so long that a rock-climbing party has to repel down to rescue your glitter-covered butt. You really don’t want to see that on the evening news.

Pisces: You’ve hitched your wagon to a lot of rising stars, but why not work on your own spaceflight? You could reach orbit sooner than you think, and you’ll love the phone reception up there.

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