You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2013.

Aries: No one expects you to be MVP, but the least you could do is show up to the game. Tailgating in the parking lot and making it to first base with the other team’s mascot does not count.

Taurus: The kids are back in school, so you can catch up on all those racy movies you’ve been saving on Netflix. Remember to keep the volume down, or the postman will think you either have an exciting social life or your private parts caught in a salad shooter.

Gemini: A well-spoken word will take you far on Thursday, but silence will get you that promotion.  Your boss knows you don’t need to speak, because those embarrassing pictures are worth several thousand words.

Cancer: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, don’t scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. There’s very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Leo: Congratulations, the world is discovering how awesome you are! Now that it’s beating a path to your door, you can stop sending out those portfolios and headshots every few days. Not only is fame great, it also saves postage.

Virgo: Someone gives you a sly wink, but check their intentions before you rip off your underwear in the middle of the grocery store. They may find you hot, or it could be allergy season.

Libra:  You have all the right moves, you just use them in all the wrong places. Doing the chicken dance is fine at your cousin’s wedding, but very wrong while you’re waiting for a table at a posh restaurant. Eh, you’ve had worse first dates.

Scorpio: If you’re not going to use your good fortune, at least take it out for a few margaritas and some karaoke. Might as well make it a happy and wasted opportunity.

Sagittarius: The good news is that rash will heal. The bad news? Everyone in that doctor’s waiting room is now emotionally scarred. You really didn’t have to bring the box of ferrets with you and drop your pants to show how you got the rash.

Capricorn: Life doesn’t tie things up in neat little bows, it takes a ball of yarn, covers it with Super Glue and unravels it throughout everything you hold dear. You’ll need a pair of scissors if you want a clear path.

Aquarius: You’ll invent the newest dance craze when you accidentally walk barefoot across your kid’s Legos and someone catches it all on video. Enjoy being a one-hit wonder, because that’s a hard act to follow.

Pisces: You’re extremely focused on your –look, a squirrel!—goal this week, and nothing will distract—hey, candy!—you from reaching your—cool, a cat video!—destination. Keep up the almost commendable work.


Aries: At this rate, the only way for you to be enlightened is for someone to stick a candle in your ear.  Get a clue and leave the dripping wax out of your lap. Hair removal should be done by professionals.

Taurus: No one said this job would be easy, although you’re sure there’s something in the fine print. Put down the magnifying glass, sharpen your horns and tear through the hard work.  Promotions are better than easy any day.

Gemini: If angels dance on pinheads, what’s doing the shimmy on the back of your neck? Could be a premonition or maybe you need to move your chair away from the air conditioner.

Cancer: You’re used to straight lines and open doors, but Wednesday is a crazy straw of crawlspaces. Go ahead and grab some knee pads; it’s time you got a little dirty.

Leo: You’ve always suspected the universe had a super-secret VIP room, and you’ve just spotted the velvet rope. Keep working those connections, because your name will be on the guest list soon.

Virgo: Good luck pops up where you least expect it on Thursday. If you’re playing ‘whack-a-mole’ with your day, you could knock it right out of the picture, so stay sharp.

Libra: Love can be filled with roses and soft words, or it can be sticky and smell faintly of soggy Cheerios. You’ll be offered both this week, so take the one you really want.

Scorpio: Some people walk the path less traveled, but your idea of adventure is riding a Rascal on the Interstate. It’s been fun so far, but find an exit soon before you become a hood ornament.

Sagittarius: It’s the little things in life that count, like a smile from a child, a picture made of macaroni, or discovering pasta and glue smeared all over your new kitchen. Hope there’s room on your gold card for wine, therapy and glue remover.

Capricorn: You’re faced with a difficult decision at work. Be considerate and go behind closed doors before you whip out your problem-solving method of “Rock Paper Lizard Scissors Spock.” If you look too silly, people will think you’re manager material.

Aquarius: Feel free to go find your groove this weekend, just don’t stay so long that a rock-climbing party has to repel down to rescue your glitter-covered butt. You really don’t want to see that on the evening news.

Pisces: You’ve hitched your wagon to a lot of rising stars, but why not work on your own spaceflight? You could reach orbit sooner than you think, and you’ll love the phone reception up there.

Aries:  You have the opportunity to do something magnificent on Thursday. If you think you might screw it up, bring someone along to slap you in the head periodically until you get it right.

Taurus: Your temper may be slow to catch, but once it does, you have all the subtlety of a tire fire by a propane plant.  Dampen those sparks and avoid the burn.

Gemini: Good news! You’re a sugar-toothed toddler and the universe just unlocked the candy store. Emotional highs this staggering aren’t meant to last, so enjoy it until the sugar coma hits.

Cancer:  True, there’s no “I” in team, but there’s no “O” either, as in OMG, did you just see what the new guy did at the copier? Take a picture, it’ll last longer and it’s easier to email to your friends.

Leo: Ahead of you is nothing but blue sky, but you can’t have smooth sailing without a little wind. Good thing you ate that pickled cabbage for lunch. Sometimes the breezes you create are better at getting you to where you want to go.

Virgo: Sometimes magic isn’t in the air, it’s hidden behind a spring and some cards in an old dude’s pocket. Good times are still within your reach, but don’t expect the earth to shake, just be glad it’s steady under your feet.

Libra: Why do you walk around like a constipated chicken when you could soar with the eagles? Tap into your creativity and push out that egg. It could be golden.

Scorpio: Become the beauty you seek. If you’re ever alone, at least you can look at yourself in the mirror. Please, no duckface shots for the Internet; no one wants to marvel at your mystique as you lean against the bathroom sink.

Sagittarius: Yes, the idiot hurt you, but you must move on. Let go of your pain, let go of the past, let go of the sharpened screwdriver you’re pressing against their tires. There’s someone better up ahead, and they offer a sweet ride. Their car isn’t bad, either.

Capricorn: If the pieces won’t come together, get some scissors and duct tape. You may not solve the puzzle, but you’ll create an abstract artwork that will leave critics panting.

Aquarius: You’re heading in the right direction, whether the GPS knows it or not. Shut that chick up and put on some Aerosmith because you’re driving on the edge.

Pisces: When you feel that the normal world is a club and you don’t know the secret handshake, remember this: even if you knew the handshake, they wouldn’t let you in. Just be your wonderful, weird self, and others will come to you.


Aries: You’re usually the first to take action, but you’ve been dragging your feet lately. This journey of a thousand steps will likely start with a friendly shove and a faceplant on the right path.

Taurus: Keeping quiet is what you do best, but all those secrets have started fighting, gladiator-style, in your head. If anyone else wants to confide in you, tell them it better be good, because the losing tidbit gets blabbed.

Gemini: You know all the tricks of the trade, but do you have a clue without doing sleight of hand? Doing something the long, honest way sounds boring, but it will pay off in the very near future, especially if there’s a boss around.

Cancer: You’ve discovered hidden treasure, but there’s no need to defend it with your pirate blade. One man’s booty is another man’s Salvation Army donation, so fork over the cash and set sail for home with your reward.

Leo: It’s lovely walking around in beauty and mystery all the time, except when it gets tangled on your pants leg or trapped on your shoe like toilet paper. A little less mystery would do you some good, and make it easier to walk around town.

Virgo: It seems like life drags you from place to place, but you’re in the driver’s seat most of the time. Pull over for a bit and find a map instead of playing Mario Kart on Main Street.

Libra: Some people believe there’s only one key to understanding the universe, but you haul around a key ring worthy of a high school janitor. If you narrow down those theories, you won’t be futzing at the lock with the key to a 1971 Pinto.

Scorpio: To everything there is a season, but your particular fruits are way past their picking date. Start sowing some new notions before your current ideas turn into some particularly pickled sour grapes.

Sagittarius: Sometimes you don’t find love, it finds you. This is fine, unless it has your photo taped to the dashboard and a creepy shrine built in the closet. In that case, pull out your taser and show love some real sparks.

Capricorn: You don’t always know what’s best, but you could definitely do worse. Be proud that your life rides the middle of the road, because you could so easily end up in the ditch.

Aquarius: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and sometimes it’s good when you can’t find your glasses. A blurry 10 is much better than a focused 3, especially if tequila is involved. Aim high and squint.

Pisces: You’re astounded when people want your opinion on a matter. Instead of painting yourself to blend in with the wallpaper, step up and stand out. You just might enjoy the spotlight.



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