Aries: Sometimes good fortune falls from the sky, other times it bubbles up under your feet, like the La Brea Tar Pits. Something positive is on its way, but tread carefully or you’ll lose a shoe.
Taurus: After years of sitting on the sidelines, you finally find your voice. It sounds more like Screech than Bogart, so practice a little in the mirror before you head out to give your opinions to the world.
Gemini: The world is your oyster, and you’re allergic to shellfish. No worries, you can send the silver plate back to the universe and ask for the world to be served up your way, preferably with ketchup and pickles.
Cancer: A situation looks, walks and talks like a friend, but that’s just because it went to finishing school. Bide your time and you’ll find the supervillain underneath the pleasant façade.
Leo: You’ve been going through so many weird events, even Murphy would say “Whoa.” Relax and think about what you want before your days turn into a pratfall-based sitcom. Watch out for that ottoman!
Virgo: People tell you if you want something, dig deep inside. Forget that, you’ll just hit the water pipes and dent the foundation. Go outside if you desire buried treasure. If you dig in the yard, you might find that watch you lost last year. Or a penny.
Libra: The night is full of dangers, especially if you have a credit card and lots of infomercials on TV at 2 a.m. Go to bed early and you’ll be refreshed. If your sweetie’s awake, you could be even more refreshed.
Scorpio: You always think big, but occasionally it’s the small, shiny items that get people’s attention. If you can’t afford diamonds, roll up some tinfoil balls and scatter them around the office. Your co-workers will be distracted for hours.
Sagittarius: It’s always darkest before dawn, but you don’t have to sit there and wait. Take a flashlight and make your own sunrise. Use a spotlight if you really want to shine.
Capricorn: A problem at work doesn’t call for your usual heavy-handed touch. Instead of bringing the hammer down, consider using a feather duster. It makes less of an impact, but everything will be so much cleaner.
Aquarius: New doors are opening up for you, but you don’t have to choose just one. Go explore this hallway of the universe and see what cool things await you. Just make sure you’re done before you let each door swing shut.
Pisces: Wisdom comes through hard times, and you’re wiser than your years. Don’t worry, after this cloud has passed, you’ll have some time to be carefree and clueless for a while.