Aries: You’re like a used up tea bag; you’ve been in so much hot water lately, you’ve lost all your flavor. Stay away from the kettle and get some rest before someone grabs you by the string and launches you at the compost heap.

Taurus: Life isn’t a non-dated coupon you can save in your wallet. Get out there and use it in exchange for knowledge, memories and perhaps even a few stupid mistakes.

Gemini: If you knew then what you know now, you’d have been an insufferable, time-traveling brat. But you’d be a Scrooge McDuck-wealthy, insufferable brat. There’s no reason to dwell on the past, unless you think you can get a few free drinks out of it.

Cancer: Your spot in the universe is under renovation, so you must get out of your comfort zone for a while and meet some new people. Don’t worry, it’s easy: just approach them with big smiles and baskets of chocolate.

Leo: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.

Virgo: You love things to run like clockwork, but everyone around you has gone digital. Who wears a watch anymore? Get with the future and grab a smartphone you can obsess over and stare it while you’re in traffic. You won’t be as efficient, but you’ll fit in.

Libra: Woo! You’re looking hotter than your uncle’s Blazing Butt chili. Flaunt your spicy self while you can, because like that chili, you may soon be banned in three counties.

Scorpio: A strong work ethic is good, but you’re way too deep into a current project. Don’t go all Dan Brown and think everything’s a secret, world-changing code. Those are just timesheets and TPS reports.

Sagittarius: There’s a difference between being a winged Valkyrie bringing justice and a pigeon who just wants to poop on everything. Think before you flap.

Capricorn: The best things in life have an extended warranty you can actually use and a customer service line with real, live people on the other end. You have problems but at least they’re easily solved this week.

Aquarius: Walk softly and carry a big stick, but if you find trouble along the way, don’t poke at it. If trouble finds you, swing that wood until it runs away looking for an ice pack and a cup of chamomile.

Pisces: Someone’s offering you a free ticket on the roller coaster, but you’re more of a merry-go-round person. The adventure could pay off so if you go for it, eat light and remember it’s just a ride.

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