You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2013.
Aries: You’re jumpier than a gopher at a pogo stick competition. Even if you stay on your toes, you may get smacked in the head, so take some time away from the big, furry rat race and enjoy the non-bouncing action of an air mattress on the lake.
Taurus: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, which explains why you’re locked out of the house. Next time, ignore the cuties in summer shorts or just wear a bag over your head at the beach.
Gemini: Nobody’s perfect, although plenty like to think so. Only you can get away with telling the Emperor his new jeans are a little too cheeky; time to use that charm for the public good.
Cancer: Some days are bright stars leading you to greater things, and other days just need to be scraped off your shoe. After Wednesday, just throw away those flip-flops because some things can’t be fixed.
Leo: Who says every day can’t be a party? Wear a pointy hat and blow out candles wherever you find them. Once people are in the dark, they’ll never see you eating their cake and having it, too.
Virgo: Friday leads you to a bit of soul-searching. You’ll be pleasantly surprised you have one, but maybe you should store it in a better place. It’s a little moldy in that damp basement.
Libra: Others think you’re on a slippery slope, but only you know that you’re wearing cleats. When your co-workers slide down like greased monkeys, you’ll dig in and reach the top.
Scorpio: No one said life would be easy, but you’re definitely making it harder on yourself. Take the underwear off your head, the cheese out of your ears and step aside. You’ll be amazed how fast you can go once you get out of your own way.
Sagittarius: Find the beauty in everyday things, and you’ll be much easier to please when your birthday rolls around. Hopefully there’s some whiskey under that year’s worth of paper clips.
Capricorn: While you are a free-thinking personality, remember that boundaries are important especially when you’re sharing a bathroom with your in-laws. Some things cannot be unseen.
Aquarius: You’re juggling so much, you should be a circus performer. Get your hands on those balls soon while you can still get them up in the air.
Pisces: Your daydreaming nature pulls at you this week, and the only thing tethering you to reality is your grumpy family. Stock up on granola, toss them fresh batteries for the remote, and let yourself fly. They’ll pull you back soon enough for back-to-school shopping.
Aries: You won’t find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but you’ll likely find some lightly chewed gum or a new outlook on life. Either one won’t hurt you a bit.
Taurus: The best things in life may be free, but building a road to get there will cost you plenty. Grab a machete and some coupons and start whacking your way to happiness.
Gemini: You’ll be tempted by a treasure trove of small, shiny things on Thursday. Stay on track, because there’s one big, glittery reward waiting at the end of the day. Clear your evening for some one-on-one time with your Precious.
Cancer: In the claw machine of life, you’re just grabbing air. Spend a few quarters and work on your technique; that Spongebob plushie will be yours before you know it.
Leo: Something fresh and lovely will come into your life on Friday. Could be a new sweetheart, or you just may find that missing bottle of Febreeze in your car. No matter what you find, your life will smell better.
Virgo: Sticking your head in the sand doesn’t make things better, it just gives you a hot, grainy view of life. Pull your head out so you can hear the beep-beep-beep of the garbage truck about to back over your butt. Getting out of the way is also another option.
Libra: Don’t worry if you haven’t found your soulmate; some people have weirdly shaped souls that are hard to fit. Instead of going through life alone, find a close match and stuff the gaps with tissue paper. A happy life is worth a few blisters.
Scorpio: You don’t have to hit the bulls-eye every time, but your ideas should at least hit the same wall on occasion. If your ideas aren’t pointy enough for darts, just consider them as spaghetti; whatever doesn’t stick will squish between your toes.
Sagittarius: You know what you want, but do you realize how to get it? Give up on the Rube Goldberg plan and just walk over to say hello. Sometimes it is that easy.
Capricorn: If wishes were horses you would need a far bigger shovel. Saddle up one of those notions and see how it rides. If nothing else, you’ll get some fresh air.
Aquarius: Don’t sweat that mistake you made on Monday. If everyone were perfect, there would be no plastic surgery, gum erasers or reality TV. You should only worry if those missteps turn into Honey Boo Boos.
Pisces: You’re not up the creek without a paddle, but you wouldn’t mind a couple of arm floaties right now. Work those muscles, because you have the strength to swim against this current. When it comes to fishies, you’re a salmon at heart.
Aries: Sometimes good fortune falls from the sky, other times it bubbles up under your feet, like the La Brea Tar Pits. Something positive is on its way, but tread carefully or you’ll lose a shoe.
Taurus: After years of sitting on the sidelines, you finally find your voice. It sounds more like Screech than Bogart, so practice a little in the mirror before you head out to give your opinions to the world.
Gemini: The world is your oyster, and you’re allergic to shellfish. No worries, you can send the silver plate back to the universe and ask for the world to be served up your way, preferably with ketchup and pickles.
Cancer: A situation looks, walks and talks like a friend, but that’s just because it went to finishing school. Bide your time and you’ll find the supervillain underneath the pleasant façade.
Leo: You’ve been going through so many weird events, even Murphy would say “Whoa.” Relax and think about what you want before your days turn into a pratfall-based sitcom. Watch out for that ottoman!
Virgo: People tell you if you want something, dig deep inside. Forget that, you’ll just hit the water pipes and dent the foundation. Go outside if you desire buried treasure. If you dig in the yard, you might find that watch you lost last year. Or a penny.
Libra: The night is full of dangers, especially if you have a credit card and lots of infomercials on TV at 2 a.m. Go to bed early and you’ll be refreshed. If your sweetie’s awake, you could be even more refreshed.
Scorpio: You always think big, but occasionally it’s the small, shiny items that get people’s attention. If you can’t afford diamonds, roll up some tinfoil balls and scatter them around the office. Your co-workers will be distracted for hours.
Sagittarius: It’s always darkest before dawn, but you don’t have to sit there and wait. Take a flashlight and make your own sunrise. Use a spotlight if you really want to shine.
Capricorn: A problem at work doesn’t call for your usual heavy-handed touch. Instead of bringing the hammer down, consider using a feather duster. It makes less of an impact, but everything will be so much cleaner.
Aquarius: New doors are opening up for you, but you don’t have to choose just one. Go explore this hallway of the universe and see what cool things await you. Just make sure you’re done before you let each door swing shut.
Pisces: Wisdom comes through hard times, and you’re wiser than your years. Don’t worry, after this cloud has passed, you’ll have some time to be carefree and clueless for a while.
Aries: You’re like a used up tea bag; you’ve been in so much hot water lately, you’ve lost all your flavor. Stay away from the kettle and get some rest before someone grabs you by the string and launches you at the compost heap.
Taurus: Life isn’t a non-dated coupon you can save in your wallet. Get out there and use it in exchange for knowledge, memories and perhaps even a few stupid mistakes.
Gemini: If you knew then what you know now, you’d have been an insufferable, time-traveling brat. But you’d be a Scrooge McDuck-wealthy, insufferable brat. There’s no reason to dwell on the past, unless you think you can get a few free drinks out of it.
Cancer: Your spot in the universe is under renovation, so you must get out of your comfort zone for a while and meet some new people. Don’t worry, it’s easy: just approach them with big smiles and baskets of chocolate.
Leo: What happens when you burn a candle at both ends and in the middle? You get a blob of wax that someone has to scrape off the table. If you’re determined to have a meltdown, do it away from the nice furniture.
Virgo: You love things to run like clockwork, but everyone around you has gone digital. Who wears a watch anymore? Get with the future and grab a smartphone you can obsess over and stare it while you’re in traffic. You won’t be as efficient, but you’ll fit in.
Libra: Woo! You’re looking hotter than your uncle’s Blazing Butt chili. Flaunt your spicy self while you can, because like that chili, you may soon be banned in three counties.
Scorpio: A strong work ethic is good, but you’re way too deep into a current project. Don’t go all Dan Brown and think everything’s a secret, world-changing code. Those are just timesheets and TPS reports.
Sagittarius: There’s a difference between being a winged Valkyrie bringing justice and a pigeon who just wants to poop on everything. Think before you flap.
Capricorn: The best things in life have an extended warranty you can actually use and a customer service line with real, live people on the other end. You have problems but at least they’re easily solved this week.
Aquarius: Walk softly and carry a big stick, but if you find trouble along the way, don’t poke at it. If trouble finds you, swing that wood until it runs away looking for an ice pack and a cup of chamomile.
Pisces: Someone’s offering you a free ticket on the roller coaster, but you’re more of a merry-go-round person. The adventure could pay off so if you go for it, eat light and remember it’s just a ride.