Aries: You may be ready to don that Speedo, but the world around you is not. Find something less revealing for the beach and you won’t receive your neighbor’s therapy bills.

Taurus: There’s so much love in your heart, but it’s nothing compared to what you have stored down below. Find yourself a sweetie fast, or you’re going to have a containment problem.

Gemini: When the right music plays, you think you can bust a move but you’re actually busting something else. Breakdancing is a young person’s game, and that person lives in 1985. Grab some Ben-Gay and move on.

Cancer: Your loyalty will be rewarded on Saturday. Could be a mug, could be a bag of cash. But knowing your employer, the mug is a safe bet. At least you can hope it’s filled with candy.

Leo: You know that every now and then a little rain must fall, but where did the frogs and flying monkeys come from? Either you’re in the wrong storm or you bought cold medicine from a guy in a van again.

Virgo: Life is full of peaks and valleys, so why punch it when you find a straightaway? Enjoy the level cruise; you’ll hit the mountains again soon enough. Your mileage may vary.

Libra: Some surprises are wonderful, like free concert tickets. Others are less so, like discovering what the dog did in your shoes. Guess which one you’re getting on Friday.

Scorpio:  Something will drastically change your outlook this week, like learning your favorite cartoon was full of dirty jokes. Eh, innocence is overrated, and now you can at least laugh along. What was up with that moose and squirrel, anyway?

Sagittarius: Your social life expands when you receive several picnic invitations this summer. But you have a conundrum: do you bring red wine or white wine? Forget that, just bring bacon. Always, bacon.

Capricorn: You can say you tried, and everyone will nod. If you say you succeeded, though, jaws will drop. It’s worth the extra effort at work this week to leave your friends speechless.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the electric zapper. One thing’s for sure: you will light up someone’s life tonight.

Pisces: When the world spins too fast for you, find a safe, crazy friend whose eyes spin in the opposite direction. You’ll enjoy the break from reality, and they’ll love the new tinfoil hat.

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