Aries: Even when you’re the best you can be, no one’s that impressed. You may not star in a movie, but at least you’ll always have that thing you did when Google StreetView passed by.

Taurus: You’ll start Tuesday with a whistle on your lips, but a sudden surprise may make you swallow it. Thank goodness for that goofy cord around your neck.

Gemini: Wednesday calls for a change of scenery. Go wild and swap out your computer wallpaper. You could go outside for a while, too, but that’s rather drastic. Besides, no one should see you in those shorts.

Cancer: Your body is a temple. Unfortunately, it’s in the same shape as one, too.  Do some restoration work on those thighs before your Parthenon falls completely off.

Leo: Job security isn’t about knowing everyone’s dirty little secrets. It’s about knowing their passwords, too. If you see someone enter “sexytimegoatvegasweekend” into their computer, you know both. Go forth and get that raise.

Virgo: That last wave of sweet lovin’ may not have floated your boat, but did it at least buoy up your driftwood? If not, the tides may be turning in your relationship. Time to show off your dinghy before you hit the rocks.

Libra:You’ll learn three things on Friday. One will benefit your career, and the other two will change the way you look at inflatable zebras forever. Normally the two wouldn’t be connected, but you’ll be prepared if your boss runs out of hot air.

Scorpio: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine slide down, but a few margaritas makes you forget why you needed the meds in the first place. Good thing you have your name sewn into all your clothes.

Sagittarius: You’re thinking about going to the gym so you can get back in shape. Great idea! Your ideal shape is a hexagon, so it won’t take much work.

Capricorn: Some are born to lead, while others just enjoy telling people what to do. If you’re not sure which one you are, put up a suggestion box and tally up all the anonymous comments about your mother.

Aquarius: Forget knives; you just brought an aircraft carrier to a gunfight. Back off the heavy artillery and talk things out at the bar. If you both get bombed, there’s less likelihood of an international incident.

Pisces: You’re not used to the good things. When someone offers you a chair, you look for the whoopee cushion. On Thursday, don’t think twice, just sit your butt down. You’ll have the best seat in the house for what’s about to happen.

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