Aries: It’s very noble to insist you’ll go down with the ship, but the puddle you’re sailing in is only ankle-deep. Thank your lucky stars for small ponds without any big fish.

Taurus: You have a difficult choice to make: spend money or lose your honey. Someone’s tired of bargain dates with yard sale VHS movies and melted chocolates. Act quick before this disagreement moves to the jewelry counter.

Gemini: Your Spidey sense is tingling, and you haven’t licked a battery in days. Pay attention to everything around you, because something’s afoot, and it’s wearing a size 13 shoe.

Cancer: Life isn’t always candy and balloons; sometimes it’s a lint-covered cough drop and a latex glove. Put a happy face on you and the glove, because things will get better soon.

Leo: Forget about the path less taken. You’re looking for a well-paved road with rest stops and cafes along the way. You’ll get your highway, but you may be traveling via unicycle.

Virgo: You don’t color outside the lines, but someone’s about to grab your crayons and mess up your coloring book. Try to relax and let the graffiti happen, because you’ve had enough beige to last a lifetime.

Libra: There are some things even duct tape can’t fix. Before you hurt another’s feelings again, slap some of the silver stuff over your own mouth. It’s a small repair that will save your butt.

Scorpio: Taking the fast track at work isn’t always the best route to success. Open up a souvenir stand by the raceway, and you’ll still make some green when the others crash into the wall.

Sagittarius: If you’re expecting a message from the universe this week, give it a little more time. Karma has a lot to say, but her phone keyboard is tiny.

Capricorn: Your latest brainstorm sounds like a surefire idea, but it could result in a cold front at home. There’s no silver lining to these clouds, just let them—and your cockamamie scheme—pass with the wind.

Aquarius: Everything is blue skies and picket fences for you this week. You’ll enjoy it at first, until you realize that’s how most horror movies start. Don’t swim naked and stay away from creepy caretakers; you should be fine.

Pisces: Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between a shining star and an asteroid hurtling toward you. Don’t feel bad when the danger passes. “Stop, drop and roll” is the only exercise you get these days.