Aries: If there’s a lump in your throat, it just means once again you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Have someone do the Heimlich and start over with a smaller fork. Or a spork.

Taurus: You are sensual and thrifty, which means that scented massage oil you whip out on special nights is just generic vegetable oil and cheap perfume. As long as you and your sweetie aren’t too close to an open flame, it’s all good.

Gemini: Friday holds a spot of good luck for you, along with a freckle of fortunate timing. Keep up the sunscreen, though, so you don’t get the back-slapped sunburn of despair.

Cancer:  You say there’s no place like home, but how do you know until you get out there and do some comparisons? Go wild and wake up in new, exotic places. After a few walks of shame, you’ll know how good it is to be home.

Leo: Honesty may be the best policy, but a few flexible white lies will cover a larger section of your rear. Sometimes the truth, like spandex, needs to be stretched in order to spare some feelings. A baggy top wouldn’t hurt, either.

Virgo: Having visitors is fine, but you also need some downtime. Wear a loose bathrobe and open up to let them know how you feel. They laugh, they leave—doesn’t matter what order it’s in, as long as it happens.

Libra: No matter what embarrassing and painful situation you find yourself in, always Google it to know you’re not the only poor sucker out there. At least you’re not the only one prying an angry badger off your belt buckle on Sunday morning.

Scorpio: Even the best-laid plans can go awry, which is why you need to buy them a few drinks first. Once your goals have a couple of appletinis, they’ll take you straight to the top.

Sagittarius: You’ll have an opportunity at work to move forward when someone from Maintenance replaces the front wheels on your office chair. Now you can beat everyone at hallway racing and win that promotion.

Capricorn: While you set out to be a Renaissance Man, you just don’t have the talent. You’re more of a Dark Ages Man; whips and chains excite you, and you’re always on the lookout for a good rack.

Aquarius: Forget about the light at the end of the tunnel; you can’t even find the train tracks. At least you won’t be run over by the 3 p.m. Express while you’re lost in the forest.

Pisces: Others are focused on the locked door, but you’re the one who notices the back gate is open. Use that keen observation to find a shortcut in your career path on Tuesday and you’ll be sipping margaritas inside while your co-workers keep knocking.

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