You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2013.

Aries: The show must go on, even if you didn’t realize you had an audience. Turn around to face the screams and squeals, adjust your tassels, and keep dancing. You might just get a rave review.

Taurus: Forget ambition; the early bird gets the worm, but the bird who sleeps in has pizza delivered. That beats worms any day, and it explains why robins are so cheerful and chubby.

Gemini: Ideas are bouncing around your head faster than cheerleaders on espresso. Jot down some notes before the caffeine wears off, and you’ll have grounds for success.

Cancer: Sometimes you don’t have to be the fastest runner to win the race, you just have to know where all the potholes are. Forget reaching for the stars, keep an eye on the course so you have a clue where you’re going.

Leo: Don’t worry what others say, just listen to the man in the mirror. If he starts talking when you don’t, then you worry. And you call a ghost hunter.

Virgo: If you sense a bright spot in your day, there’s probably someone above you with a magnifying glass. Dodge the heat and run up their pants leg; no one ever expects the little guy to bite back.

Libra: You’ll have a perfect hair day on Tuesday, but no one will notice since your skirt will be tucked into your pantyhose for a few hours. On the bright side, you’ll have dates planned for the next two weeks.

Scorpio: Don’t concentrate on skin-deep looks. What truly counts is inner beauty, and yours could use a spa treatment and some exfoliation. Try those new kindness injections, they’re guaranteed to soften those hard lines.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you’ll finally let your hair down, and out will fall a donkey, a lemon tart and two Shake Weights. Who knew you were kinkier when you were all twisted up? At least you won’t have those neck problems any more.

Capricorn: It takes time to heal from life’s hurts. If you can’t get back in the saddle, you can straddle a broom and make galloping sounds around the yard. It’s not John Wayne-worthy, but it’s a start.

Aquarius: Real power isn’t about toppling governments, it’s making someone get up in the middle of the night to fetch you a glass of water. Sip that H2O slowly, because you’ve got the politicians beat.

Pisces: You’ve thought about climbing every mountain, but that sounds exhausting. Hike a couple of hills and call it a day. Mount Everest is so crowded this time of year.

Wisecrack Zodiac is more than a web site, it’s also a newspaper column printed weekly on actual paper.  This weekend, Wisecrack Zodiac won second place in the 2013 National Society of Newspaper Columnists writing competition! The category is in the Humor:Newspapers With Circulation under 50,000, and I don’t know which excites me more: the win itself, or that the judge called WZ’s humor “rude, crude and socially on the edge.”

Thank you to the NSNC, the judges and of course, you lovely readers! You’re the real reason I do this every week.

Aries: You may be ready to don that Speedo, but the world around you is not. Find something less revealing for the beach and you won’t receive your neighbor’s therapy bills.

Taurus: There’s so much love in your heart, but it’s nothing compared to what you have stored down below. Find yourself a sweetie fast, or you’re going to have a containment problem.

Gemini: When the right music plays, you think you can bust a move but you’re actually busting something else. Breakdancing is a young person’s game, and that person lives in 1985. Grab some Ben-Gay and move on.

Cancer: Your loyalty will be rewarded on Saturday. Could be a mug, could be a bag of cash. But knowing your employer, the mug is a safe bet. At least you can hope it’s filled with candy.

Leo: You know that every now and then a little rain must fall, but where did the frogs and flying monkeys come from? Either you’re in the wrong storm or you bought cold medicine from a guy in a van again.

Virgo: Life is full of peaks and valleys, so why punch it when you find a straightaway? Enjoy the level cruise; you’ll hit the mountains again soon enough. Your mileage may vary.

Libra: Some surprises are wonderful, like free concert tickets. Others are less so, like discovering what the dog did in your shoes. Guess which one you’re getting on Friday.

Scorpio:  Something will drastically change your outlook this week, like learning your favorite cartoon was full of dirty jokes. Eh, innocence is overrated, and now you can at least laugh along. What was up with that moose and squirrel, anyway?

Sagittarius: Your social life expands when you receive several picnic invitations this summer. But you have a conundrum: do you bring red wine or white wine? Forget that, just bring bacon. Always, bacon.

Capricorn: You can say you tried, and everyone will nod. If you say you succeeded, though, jaws will drop. It’s worth the extra effort at work this week to leave your friends speechless.

Aquarius: Some days you’re the bug, other days you’re the electric zapper. One thing’s for sure: you will light up someone’s life tonight.

Pisces: When the world spins too fast for you, find a safe, crazy friend whose eyes spin in the opposite direction. You’ll enjoy the break from reality, and they’ll love the new tinfoil hat.

Aries: Even when you’re the best you can be, no one’s that impressed. You may not star in a movie, but at least you’ll always have that thing you did when Google StreetView passed by.

Taurus: You’ll start Tuesday with a whistle on your lips, but a sudden surprise may make you swallow it. Thank goodness for that goofy cord around your neck.

Gemini: Wednesday calls for a change of scenery. Go wild and swap out your computer wallpaper. You could go outside for a while, too, but that’s rather drastic. Besides, no one should see you in those shorts.

Cancer: Your body is a temple. Unfortunately, it’s in the same shape as one, too.  Do some restoration work on those thighs before your Parthenon falls completely off.

Leo: Job security isn’t about knowing everyone’s dirty little secrets. It’s about knowing their passwords, too. If you see someone enter “sexytimegoatvegasweekend” into their computer, you know both. Go forth and get that raise.

Virgo: That last wave of sweet lovin’ may not have floated your boat, but did it at least buoy up your driftwood? If not, the tides may be turning in your relationship. Time to show off your dinghy before you hit the rocks.

Libra:You’ll learn three things on Friday. One will benefit your career, and the other two will change the way you look at inflatable zebras forever. Normally the two wouldn’t be connected, but you’ll be prepared if your boss runs out of hot air.

Scorpio: A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine slide down, but a few margaritas makes you forget why you needed the meds in the first place. Good thing you have your name sewn into all your clothes.

Sagittarius: You’re thinking about going to the gym so you can get back in shape. Great idea! Your ideal shape is a hexagon, so it won’t take much work.

Capricorn: Some are born to lead, while others just enjoy telling people what to do. If you’re not sure which one you are, put up a suggestion box and tally up all the anonymous comments about your mother.

Aquarius: Forget knives; you just brought an aircraft carrier to a gunfight. Back off the heavy artillery and talk things out at the bar. If you both get bombed, there’s less likelihood of an international incident.

Pisces: You’re not used to the good things. When someone offers you a chair, you look for the whoopee cushion. On Thursday, don’t think twice, just sit your butt down. You’ll have the best seat in the house for what’s about to happen.

Aries: It’s very noble to insist you’ll go down with the ship, but the puddle you’re sailing in is only ankle-deep. Thank your lucky stars for small ponds without any big fish.

Taurus: You have a difficult choice to make: spend money or lose your honey. Someone’s tired of bargain dates with yard sale VHS movies and melted chocolates. Act quick before this disagreement moves to the jewelry counter.

Gemini: Your Spidey sense is tingling, and you haven’t licked a battery in days. Pay attention to everything around you, because something’s afoot, and it’s wearing a size 13 shoe.

Cancer: Life isn’t always candy and balloons; sometimes it’s a lint-covered cough drop and a latex glove. Put a happy face on you and the glove, because things will get better soon.

Leo: Forget about the path less taken. You’re looking for a well-paved road with rest stops and cafes along the way. You’ll get your highway, but you may be traveling via unicycle.

Virgo: You don’t color outside the lines, but someone’s about to grab your crayons and mess up your coloring book. Try to relax and let the graffiti happen, because you’ve had enough beige to last a lifetime.

Libra: There are some things even duct tape can’t fix. Before you hurt another’s feelings again, slap some of the silver stuff over your own mouth. It’s a small repair that will save your butt.

Scorpio: Taking the fast track at work isn’t always the best route to success. Open up a souvenir stand by the raceway, and you’ll still make some green when the others crash into the wall.

Sagittarius: If you’re expecting a message from the universe this week, give it a little more time. Karma has a lot to say, but her phone keyboard is tiny.

Capricorn: Your latest brainstorm sounds like a surefire idea, but it could result in a cold front at home. There’s no silver lining to these clouds, just let them—and your cockamamie scheme—pass with the wind.

Aquarius: Everything is blue skies and picket fences for you this week. You’ll enjoy it at first, until you realize that’s how most horror movies start. Don’t swim naked and stay away from creepy caretakers; you should be fine.

Pisces: Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between a shining star and an asteroid hurtling toward you. Don’t feel bad when the danger passes. “Stop, drop and roll” is the only exercise you get these days.

Aries: If there’s a lump in your throat, it just means once again you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Have someone do the Heimlich and start over with a smaller fork. Or a spork.

Taurus: You are sensual and thrifty, which means that scented massage oil you whip out on special nights is just generic vegetable oil and cheap perfume. As long as you and your sweetie aren’t too close to an open flame, it’s all good.

Gemini: Friday holds a spot of good luck for you, along with a freckle of fortunate timing. Keep up the sunscreen, though, so you don’t get the back-slapped sunburn of despair.

Cancer:  You say there’s no place like home, but how do you know until you get out there and do some comparisons? Go wild and wake up in new, exotic places. After a few walks of shame, you’ll know how good it is to be home.

Leo: Honesty may be the best policy, but a few flexible white lies will cover a larger section of your rear. Sometimes the truth, like spandex, needs to be stretched in order to spare some feelings. A baggy top wouldn’t hurt, either.

Virgo: Having visitors is fine, but you also need some downtime. Wear a loose bathrobe and open up to let them know how you feel. They laugh, they leave—doesn’t matter what order it’s in, as long as it happens.

Libra: No matter what embarrassing and painful situation you find yourself in, always Google it to know you’re not the only poor sucker out there. At least you’re not the only one prying an angry badger off your belt buckle on Sunday morning.

Scorpio: Even the best-laid plans can go awry, which is why you need to buy them a few drinks first. Once your goals have a couple of appletinis, they’ll take you straight to the top.

Sagittarius: You’ll have an opportunity at work to move forward when someone from Maintenance replaces the front wheels on your office chair. Now you can beat everyone at hallway racing and win that promotion.

Capricorn: While you set out to be a Renaissance Man, you just don’t have the talent. You’re more of a Dark Ages Man; whips and chains excite you, and you’re always on the lookout for a good rack.

Aquarius: Forget about the light at the end of the tunnel; you can’t even find the train tracks. At least you won’t be run over by the 3 p.m. Express while you’re lost in the forest.

Pisces: Others are focused on the locked door, but you’re the one who notices the back gate is open. Use that keen observation to find a shortcut in your career path on Tuesday and you’ll be sipping margaritas inside while your co-workers keep knocking.

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