Aries: Lately you’ve felt more out of place than Lindsey Lohan at an Amish colony. It’s time to quit churning your own butter and get back to your artificially flavored life. Keep the beard, though. It’s sexy.
Taurus: Anyone can find happiness when the road is easy, but it takes courage to smile when there’s a rock in your shoe and you just stepped in doggie doo. Do the unexpected; set fire to your shoe and leave it on your ex’s porch. Problems solved.
Gemini: You’re better at sucking up than a brown-nosing octopus, but on Friday you’ll finally find someone immune to your charisma. You can’t talk your way out of this one, so push the sleeves up, show off those tentacles and get that dirty work done.
Cancer: Everyone has a special talent. Those who call you a wet blanket will be the first to seek you when they catch their hair on fire with that combination flamethrower/hair spray holder.
Leo: If the eyes are the windows to your soul, then your head could definitely use some spring cleaning. Use that mental squeegee to clear the film from your brain and this week will sparkle like new.
Virgo: Kind words can move mountains and wipe away pain in an instant. They can also draw raccoons to your doorstep, so don’t make them too syrupy sweet. A little snark goes a long way in pest control.
Libra: One beautiful moment can make your day, as long as you don’t spend the other 1,439 minutes looking at pictures of grizzly bears in thongs on the Internet. Before you go outside, erase your browser history.
Scorpio: There’s no problem you can’t conquer this week with either bacon, tequila or Band-Aids. Normally you would use duct tape, but you’re not allowed to have any after that episode at the bar with the pinball machine and the pool noodle.
Sagittarius: A book can take you to far-away places, and you won’t even be frisked by handsy TSA people. The down side? It’s difficult for a novel to get you drunk in Vegas. But hey, what happens in the library stays in the library.
Capricorn: The only way things could get brighter for you is if you sat on a light bulb. Then it would go see-through when the E.R. doctor has to X-ray your perverted butt. Go read “50 Shades of Grey” like all the other kinky housewives out there.
Aquarius: When it comes to love, you can be Iron Man or the Tin Man. Practice your pickup lines for the weekend, or you’ll just end up dribbling your own oil can.
Pisces: In your mind’s eye, you’re headed straight for success. In your mind’s heart, though, you suspect you’re just a loser with a dessert addiction. This time, listen to your noggin, put down the cookie, and make things happen.