Aries: A big opportunity falls in your lap on Thursday. Have someone nearby to help you out from underneath it so you can change into clean pants and get your breath back. After that, feel free to tackle it but be warned: it may tackle back.
Taurus: The most fragrant, beautiful rose on a spring day is no match for a double cheeseburger when you’re hungry. Forget the flowers, take your honey out to lunch and don’t say anything when they ask for more fries.
Gemini: You love whirlwind romances, but they always leave you with your underwear on your head. This time, hang on to those unmentionables until you know which way the wind is blowing.
Cancer: Buttering up the boss may win you a few points, but to get what you want, you need to throw some cheese and bacon on there, too. Throw on some sour cream for the final touch. Who knew the road to promotion would be so squishy?
Leo: Moments are like crazy people: you should watch out for the quiet ones. A tiny bit of your day will be amazing, but you should still keep one eye open and a hand on the doorknob.
Virgo: Your worst experience on Saturday will evolve into a crazy story about bobcats, Slim Jims and a size XXL thong. It may hurt right now, but it will make up for it in free beer in the years to come.
Libra: The difference between living and existing is all about flair, but you don’t like talking about your flair, do you? Grab your stapler and attach yourself to a new role in life. This time, the style is all yours.
Scorpio: You are humbled when the universe touches your soul on Saturday, until you realize Karma has very sticky hands. Keep some wet wipes nearby so your inner peace won’t draw lint.
Sagittarius: When you want magic in your life, you expect ice cream, unicorns and dancing fairies. In reality, it’s usually just some old guy pulling a nickel out of your ear. At least you’ll be ahead five cents.
Capricorn: If you knew what was going to happen on Wednesday, you would be excited and nervous and a little sweaty. So it’s best you don’t know. Except now you do. Crap. Forget you read this, but remember to wear deodorant.
Aquarius: You are the life of the party. Fortunately, no one knows you really hate crowds, you’re just in it for the lampshade fetish. This is one time you really don’t need to shed light on things, so party on.
Pisces: Most people march to the beat of their own drummer, but you skip along to a one-person band featuring triangle, ocarina and accordion. You may not get to your destination, but folks will remember you passing by.