You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2013.

Aries: Lately you’ve felt more out of place than Lindsey Lohan at an Amish colony. It’s time to quit churning your own butter and get back to your artificially flavored life. Keep the beard, though. It’s sexy.

Taurus: Anyone can find happiness when the road is easy, but it takes courage to smile when there’s a rock in your shoe and you just stepped in doggie doo. Do the unexpected; set fire to your shoe and leave it on your ex’s porch. Problems solved.

Gemini: You’re better at sucking up than a brown-nosing octopus, but on Friday you’ll finally find someone immune to your charisma. You can’t talk your way out of this one, so push the sleeves up, show off those tentacles and get that dirty work done.

Cancer: Everyone has a special talent. Those who call you a wet blanket will be the first to seek you when they catch their hair on fire with that combination flamethrower/hair spray holder.

Leo: If the eyes are the windows to your soul, then your head could definitely use some spring cleaning. Use that mental squeegee to clear the film from your brain and this week will sparkle like new.

Virgo: Kind words can move mountains and wipe away pain in an instant. They can also draw raccoons to your doorstep, so don’t make them too syrupy sweet. A little snark goes a long way in pest control.

Libra: One beautiful moment can make your day, as long as you don’t spend the other 1,439 minutes looking at pictures of grizzly bears in thongs on the Internet. Before you go outside, erase your browser history.

Scorpio: There’s no problem you can’t conquer this week with either bacon, tequila or Band-Aids. Normally you would use duct tape, but you’re not allowed to have any after that episode at the bar with the pinball machine and the pool noodle.

Sagittarius: A book can take you to far-away places, and you won’t even be frisked by handsy TSA people. The down side? It’s difficult for a novel to get you drunk in Vegas. But hey, what happens in the library stays in the library.

Capricorn: The only way things could get brighter for you is if you sat on a light bulb. Then it would go see-through when the E.R. doctor has to X-ray your perverted butt. Go read “50 Shades of Grey” like all the other kinky housewives out there.

Aquarius: When it comes to love, you can be Iron Man or the Tin Man. Practice your pickup lines for the weekend, or you’ll just end up dribbling your own oil can.

Pisces: In your mind’s eye, you’re headed straight for success. In your mind’s heart, though, you suspect you’re just a loser with a dessert addiction. This time, listen to your noggin, put down the cookie, and make things happen.


Aries: Your mind is overloaded this week, and it’s making your brain cells pop like bubble wrap. Take a break and do something that doesn’t require thought, like watching the E! Network.

Taurus: When it comes to love, it’s the little things your sweetie does to catch your attention. Like placing scorpions in your underwear drawer. Better find out what you did wrong, and get some flowers immediately.

Gemini: Some things even your famed charm can’t fix. You’ll have to dig deep and dust off that mint condition can of sincerity if you want to sweeten up someone’s day. Wow, you should occasionally run a broom through that emotional basement.

Cancer: Life can’t be all lollipops and roses. Sometimes it’s clearance jelly beans that taste like plastic Easter grass and poison ivy. Swirl that sad candy in some vodka, and you’ll forget to scratch your welts for a while.

Leo: You can run but you can’t hide from your feelings, even when you try to bury your widening butt in that half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream. Put down the spoon and pick up the phone. And don’t order another pizza, we’re on to you.

Virgo: Put down the screwdriver and duct tape, because this time you can’t fix that problem for someone in your life. Just accept who they are. Besides, they still walk funny from that time with the monkey wrench.

Libra: Freedom is more than sitting naked on the white vinyl couch; it’s also about where the paper towels and spray cleaner is stored and when your sweetie is expected home. True freedom comes from not getting kicked out to the dog house again.

Scorpio: Tuesday is shaping up to be your lucky day, unless it forgets to wear its Spanx, and then Wednesday will be the day. Definitely. Or Thursday. Depends if there’s Mexican food for lunch.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to meet every challenge. Some you can just text or e-mail. If you really want to impress, send a postcard.

Capricorn: When everything is dark all around you, it’s time to rely on a higher power. Good thing you installed that solar panel on the roof, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to Facebook your way through the blackout.

Aquarius: This weekend will be a blur of glitter-soaked bagel deliveries, ditch-digging in a tuxedo and touching batteries to your tongue for nickels. You really should have read the fine print in your iTunes User Agreement.

Pisces: Not only are you putting the cart before the horse, you’re not even near the barn. Get your life in the right order, and your pimped-out chariot will be cruising down the road in no time.

Aries: Some days you jump willingly into the ball pit, other days you’re pushed. One thing’s clear: you’ll have a lot of balls in your face. Wear goggles.

Taurus: You’re so slow to burn, some may think your pilot light’s out. A co-worker fans your flames on Friday. Try not to scorch the walls when your temper finally goes; otherwise, you’ll need to pony up for fresh paint.

Gemini: Your analytical side tackles a problem at work. When the boss finally notices your efforts, however, your mood changes and you staple his pants to the photocopier. At least you still make Employee of the Month.

Cancer: When you have a bad day, count your blessings. Your kids aren’t in jail anymore, there’s wine in the fridge and the dog finally passed the TV remote after eating it a few days ago. Grab some wet wipes, find your fave show and realize it doesn’t get any better than this.

Leo: An offer to share the spotlight is generous, especially for you. However, not everyone clamors to be a star, despite what reality TV says. Double your sunscreen and jump back into the glare because it’s all about you, baby.

Virgo: A new puzzle intrigues you on Thursday, and you drop everything until you figure it out. Once your sweetie sees the attention you lavish on this, expect to see a lot of Sudoku-printed sexy underwear in the bedroom.

Libra: No one promised you a rose garden, but with all the sarcastic friends life gave you, it could send you an aloe vera plant to deal with those burns. Grab some bandages and a dictionary if you want to get even.

Scorpio: The worst in your day will often bring the best out in you. You’ll either shine like a diamond, or just run into the back room and be a blubbering mess. Either way, have some ice cream on hand. Ice cream goes with anything.

Sagittarius: You’re tired of ‘steady as she goes.’ You want to rock the boat. Take a life preserver, because that water is colder than you think and there’s no iceberg to cling to while you wait for help.

Capricorn: Believing in yourself is fine, as long as you leave room for other stuff, like gravity, Newton’s Third Law and the awesomeness of Chuck Norris. Put some ice on that swelling ego and make space for the necessaries of the universe.

Aquarius: Every cloud has a silver lining, that’s why the weather uses them to make change. If you see a low-lying cloud, stick your ATM card in it. Maybe you’ll finally see some pennies from Heaven.

Pisces: You may think you’re all alone, but your creativity is like a patch of dandelions. It spreads to people you don’t even know. Keep rocking those sunny little thoughts, because you’re making someone else’s day.

Aries: A big opportunity falls in your lap on Thursday.  Have someone nearby to help you out from underneath it so you can change into clean pants and get your breath back. After that, feel free to tackle it but be warned: it may tackle back.

Taurus: The most fragrant, beautiful rose on a spring day is no match for a double cheeseburger when you’re hungry. Forget the flowers, take your honey out to lunch and don’t say anything when they ask for more fries.

Gemini: You love whirlwind romances, but they always leave you with your underwear on your head. This time, hang on to those unmentionables until you know which way the wind is blowing.

Cancer: Buttering up the boss may win you a few points, but to get what you want, you need to throw some cheese and bacon on there, too. Throw on some sour cream for the final touch. Who knew the road to promotion would be so squishy?

Leo: Moments are like crazy people: you should watch out for the quiet ones. A tiny bit of your day will be amazing, but you should still keep one eye open and a hand on the doorknob.

Virgo: Your worst experience on Saturday will evolve into a crazy story about bobcats, Slim Jims and a size XXL thong. It may hurt right now, but it will make up for it in free beer in the years to come.

Libra: The difference between living and existing is all about flair, but you don’t like talking about your flair, do you? Grab your stapler and attach yourself to a new role in life. This time, the style is all yours.

Scorpio: You are humbled when the universe touches your soul on Saturday, until you realize Karma has very sticky hands. Keep some wet wipes nearby so your inner peace won’t draw lint.

Sagittarius: When you want magic in your life, you expect ice cream, unicorns and dancing fairies. In reality, it’s usually just some old guy pulling a nickel out of your ear. At least you’ll be ahead five cents.

Capricorn: If you knew what was going to happen on Wednesday, you would be excited and nervous and a little sweaty. So it’s best you don’t know. Except now you do. Crap. Forget you read this, but remember to wear deodorant.

Aquarius: You are the life of the party. Fortunately, no one knows you really hate crowds, you’re just in it for the lampshade fetish.  This is one time you really don’t need to shed light on things, so party on.

Pisces: Most people march to the beat of their own drummer, but you skip along to a one-person band featuring triangle, ocarina and accordion. You may not get to your destination, but folks will remember you passing by.

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