Aries: When you walk a mile in another guy’s pantyhose, you really hope he did his laundry first. Also, you do not have the legs to wear sheer hose. With all that hair poking through, it looks like you lost a fight with a werewolf.

Taurus: Nothing’s better than good friends and cheap wine, although the reverse will do in a pinch. Make merry on Saturday, because you’ll have a lot to forget, especially Friday night.

Gemini: There is some beauty in life, but you’ll get more out of it if you just accept life has a great personality. Quit trying to tart it up in Photoshop.

Cancer: The winds of fortune blow up your skirt on Wednesday. Could be a little chilly if you’re going commando, but you’ll like it.

Leo:  Just when you’re ready to stop and smell the roses someone comes along and snips them for a bouquet. Quit relying on everyone else’s schedule and plant your own flowers. That way, you’ll at least sniff them once before the deer eat them.

Virgo: Running your life like clockwork is fine for a while, but even robots are getting bored with you. Shake things up this weekend with a picnic or a pole-dancing class. Just do something before you need a rescue crew to pull you out of that rut.

Libra: Just your luck: the world becomes your oyster, and you’re allergic to shellfish. If your good fortune is something you just can’t swallow, hang in there because hungry times are never far away.

Scorpio: In every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve been swamped so long, you have barnacles on your butt.  The sun will finally shine on you this Thursday. If someone hands you a towel, keep it with you at all times.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t about those big moments of joy, it’s all those little seconds where you don’t strangle your co-workers that count. You’ll rack up some good karma this week by not acting on that impulse of a full bladder and a coffeemaker.

Capricorn: All the king’s horses and men couldn’t do squat for Humpty Dumpty because the really good meds hadn’t been invented yet. Stay on yours this week, or everyone will be picking eggshell out of their hair for days.

Aquarius: Point A is where you are, and Point B is where you want to be, but in between is a path that looks like it was doodled by Albert Einstein on Ambien. Go ahead, take the first step, because everything’s relative.

Pisces: Just when you want to retreat into yourself for a while, your inner child has rearranged all the furniture. Quit stubbing your brain on the imaginary coffee table and seek some answers outside for a change.

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