Aries: Feel free to count your blessings before they hatch, after they hatch, or while they’re running around pecking your toes. You’ll need all the blessings you can get before your meeting with the boss on Tuesday.

Taurus: Life is a poem inscribed across the sunrise, but yours is a dirty limerick scribbled on a bathroom wall. Time for a rewrite, because you deserve a better audience, preferably one with their pants on.

Gemini: All your dreams will come true this week, including the one where you’re naked in school on exam day. You may not impress your professor, but you could score a few abnormal psychology fans.

Cancer: If actions speak louder than words, right now your naughty behavior has its own pep squad. Dial it down a few notches, before the megaphones burst everyone’s eardrums.

Leo: You’re in the right place at the right time on Friday, but it’s not for something you truly want. You can grin and bear this consolation gift from karma, or get the heck out of Dodge.

Virgo: You may be used to the generic insanity surrounding your days, but Thursday you get a taste of a special homebrew crazy. Sip it carefully, or it will knock you on your butt.

Libra: For every problem, there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is “Run away!” Grab your coconuts and make a break for it before the killer rabbits get you.

Scorpio: The problem with being on a roll? Go too fast, and you flip into a turnover. Saturday will be the frosting on the cake. If you’re lucky, it’s strawberry. Stick out your tongue occasionally and see how sweet it is.

Sagittarius: Someone offers you a leg up on a situation, but once you get there, you’re tempted to rip it off and beat them over the head with it. Stay calm, or you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Capricorn: You may have a close call this week. From now on, keep the phone far away from your face. In fact, you’re probably better off with two tin cans and a string.

Aquarius: Friday looks a little brighter than usual. Could be some unexpected good fortune, or your sweetie bought new light bulbs. Either way, you’ll be able to see a new path.

Pisces: Things may not go your way, but you’re building some impressive muscles as you fight the current. When the tide finally turns, you’ll be better. Stronger. Faster.