Aries: Lately you’ve been as disciplined as a toddler raised by wild Kardashians. Pull yourself together, because you’re going to need at least a few social skills on Thursday. Grunting and making duckfaces at your boss will only take you so far.

Taurus: Not every light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Sometimes it’s a UFO, ready to take you away to the planet of unbelievably gorgeous models for some serious probing. Just in case, stay off the tracks until you know for sure.

Gemini: This weekend you’ll have the opportunity to peer inside the mysteries of the universe. Try to look impressed when you find out it’s just a game of Scrabble played by three drunken fairies.

Cancer: Nothing says “ready for love” like a new outfit. Since your look says “ready for rehab,” grab that wallet and head to the mall now.

Leo: Life may be all about the journey, not the destination, but you’re still stuck taking photos of yourself at the starting line. Strap your ego to the roof of the car and get going; if you’re lucky, a low bridge may shave a little off the top.

Virgo:  Your life clicks along like clockwork, but on Tuesday something will pop out a few cogs. Go with the flow and ignore the numbers for a while.

Libra: Beauty isn’t about how you look, it’s how you act. You’ll stay gorgeous for decades with a kind heart, and you’ll save lots of cash on expensive face cream, too.

Scorpio: The only way you’ll give in to self-reflection is if you have a pool installed in your belly button.  Once you’re in there, paddle toward the deep end. Too scary? Invest in some Little Mermaid arm floaties.

Sagittarius: You like to blend in, but lately you’re about as conspicuous as faded flowers in the wallpaper. Step out of your comfort zone and into the spotlight; you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll blossom and grow.

Capricorn: There’s no reason to fear change. A quarter has never mugged anyone at knifepoint. Just watch out for stray nickels burrowing up your nose, and you’ll be fine.

Aquarius: Each day is a new gift. Sometimes it’s a certificate to your favorite restaurant, other times it’s ill-fitting underwear from your grandmother. No matter what you get, remember to write a thank-you note at the end of the day.

Pisces: If you cup overflows, it’s time to upgrade to a larger athletic supporter. You have the huevos to carry off some ambitious plans, but occasionally life will kick you in the balls.

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