Aries: Your load will be lighter, but that’s because someone stole half your stuff.  As long as they didn’t steal your special homemade naughty tape, you’ll be better for it. If they did, hey baby, you could be a star!

Taurus: Tuesday will be like the kid from Kindergarten who always ate paste: weird, and slightly smelly. You don’t have to be rude, but it’s still a good idea to slowly back away from it.

Gemini: When life is too smooth, you’ll always make your own speed bumps. Try to enjoy the ride instead of hopping out and throwing yourself under the bus.

Cancer: In every life a little rain must fall, but when you’re wet and don’t see any clouds, it makes you wonder. Look around for a really tall guy with his pants unzipped, grab a rake and smack him until he quits tinkling on you. Sometimes you have to make your own sunshine.

Leo:  Not every day can be filled with movie explosions and heroic deeds. Sometimes you need to appreciate the quiet successes, like not chasing your co-workers with a shovel.

Virgo:  Never underestimate the power of one banana peel to totally turn your day around. If you don’t want to watch them fall, glue a dollar to the office floor.  You’ll finally enjoy a day at work.

Libra: You may not be the sharpest pencil in the drawer, but that’s a good thing on Thursday. If someone throws you at the ceiling, you’ll just come right back down.

Scorpio: Friday may seem like it’s all about suffering, but take heart: there’s a hint of humiliation in there too. Avoid your sweetie until they come off that high horse or you’ll get kicked repeatedly in the head.

Sagittarius: Go out tonight and try something new. You really don’t want to be where everyone knows your name, especially after that Dr. Phil segment airs. Give everyone time to calm down and hide their chickens.

Capricorn: Tuesday you’ll receive a special gift bag from the universe. Feel free to open it up and enjoy, as long as it’s not flaming and left on your porch.

Aquarius: When it comes to flights of fancy, you have a lot of airline miles. Cash those in and do something real toward your goal, like printing business cards or hiring a therapist to talk you out of two-toed sloth farming.

Pisces: There may not be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, but there’s usually a pride parade. Jump in and let your freak flag fly, because being your wild self is better than leprechaun booty.

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