You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2013.

Aries: You are the star of your own movie, but you should lower your expectations from big-budget Michael Bay to a student film involving foul-mouthed, homemade puppets. Strangely enough, yours may bring you more fans.

Taurus: Being slow to anger is one thing, but taking the scenic route to Martyrtown is another. It’s only human to get mad once in a while, and you won’t Hulk out because you refuse to buy that many pairs of new pants.

Gemini: Tuesday is a mixed bag of nuts, but you won’t see any of those delicious chocolate-covered cashews. After your co-workers raid your desk, you’ll be lucky to have some loose skins from peanuts and a few broken Filberts.

Cancer: You’re finding it harder to focus than Justin Bieber in a room full of mirrors. If your phone’s camera breaks on Thursday, thank it for saving your butt and not uploading that embarrassing selfie to Instagram.

Leo: Friday’s code word is “smooth,” but you won’t get the memo. Take a few lessons from the 800 lb. gorilla in the room; at least he knows how to sit quietly and still menace people.

Virgo: With a little luck and a lot of heavy breathing, you’ll land that special project you’ve been chasing. Who knew that project manager was into obscene phone calls from people on treadmills? You did, you sly thing.

Libra: If you still believe the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you should drop out of medical school now before someone gets hurt. You may, however, be a perfect intern for the Paula Dean Institute of Butter and Matchmaking.

Scorpio: Quit looking on the bright side so much; all that squinting will give you wrinkles. Sometimes staring down the gloom makes it nervous enough to slink away. Just give it the same look you gave the kids after the indoor toothpaste fight.

Sagittarius: Your attempt at burning bridges just makes them warm and comfortable enough for a quick trip during a chilly spring day. Next time, don’t try to set fire to stone, just install a permanent “Detour” sign.

Capricorn: You have a lot to offer, so don’t sell yourself short; someone’s willing to invest in you, and they don’t even plan to use their coupons. Take the compliment, smile, and don’t tell them where you’ve hidden the receipt book.

Aquarius: You’re so tough, you’ve been swimming with the sharks and all you’ve suffered is a bad case of pruny toes. Use your talents for good, and teach those toothy suckers some synchronized water ballet moves.

Pisces: It’s a new day, and you’re still in that lovely wake-up mode when you think you can accomplish anything. Instead of fading away, though, it lasts all week long. Use it while you got it, sleepyhead.

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Aries: When you walk a mile in another guy’s pantyhose, you really hope he did his laundry first. Also, you do not have the legs to wear sheer hose. With all that hair poking through, it looks like you lost a fight with a werewolf.

Taurus: Nothing’s better than good friends and cheap wine, although the reverse will do in a pinch. Make merry on Saturday, because you’ll have a lot to forget, especially Friday night.

Gemini: There is some beauty in life, but you’ll get more out of it if you just accept life has a great personality. Quit trying to tart it up in Photoshop.

Cancer: The winds of fortune blow up your skirt on Wednesday. Could be a little chilly if you’re going commando, but you’ll like it.

Leo:  Just when you’re ready to stop and smell the roses someone comes along and snips them for a bouquet. Quit relying on everyone else’s schedule and plant your own flowers. That way, you’ll at least sniff them once before the deer eat them.

Virgo: Running your life like clockwork is fine for a while, but even robots are getting bored with you. Shake things up this weekend with a picnic or a pole-dancing class. Just do something before you need a rescue crew to pull you out of that rut.

Libra: Just your luck: the world becomes your oyster, and you’re allergic to shellfish. If your good fortune is something you just can’t swallow, hang in there because hungry times are never far away.

Scorpio: In every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve been swamped so long, you have barnacles on your butt.  The sun will finally shine on you this Thursday. If someone hands you a towel, keep it with you at all times.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t about those big moments of joy, it’s all those little seconds where you don’t strangle your co-workers that count. You’ll rack up some good karma this week by not acting on that impulse of a full bladder and a coffeemaker.

Capricorn: All the king’s horses and men couldn’t do squat for Humpty Dumpty because the really good meds hadn’t been invented yet. Stay on yours this week, or everyone will be picking eggshell out of their hair for days.

Aquarius: Point A is where you are, and Point B is where you want to be, but in between is a path that looks like it was doodled by Albert Einstein on Ambien. Go ahead, take the first step, because everything’s relative.

Pisces: Just when you want to retreat into yourself for a while, your inner child has rearranged all the furniture. Quit stubbing your brain on the imaginary coffee table and seek some answers outside for a change.

Aries: Feel free to count your blessings before they hatch, after they hatch, or while they’re running around pecking your toes. You’ll need all the blessings you can get before your meeting with the boss on Tuesday.

Taurus: Life is a poem inscribed across the sunrise, but yours is a dirty limerick scribbled on a bathroom wall. Time for a rewrite, because you deserve a better audience, preferably one with their pants on.

Gemini: All your dreams will come true this week, including the one where you’re naked in school on exam day. You may not impress your professor, but you could score a few abnormal psychology fans.

Cancer: If actions speak louder than words, right now your naughty behavior has its own pep squad. Dial it down a few notches, before the megaphones burst everyone’s eardrums.

Leo: You’re in the right place at the right time on Friday, but it’s not for something you truly want. You can grin and bear this consolation gift from karma, or get the heck out of Dodge.

Virgo: You may be used to the generic insanity surrounding your days, but Thursday you get a taste of a special homebrew crazy. Sip it carefully, or it will knock you on your butt.

Libra: For every problem, there is a solution. Sometimes that solution is “Run away!” Grab your coconuts and make a break for it before the killer rabbits get you.

Scorpio: The problem with being on a roll? Go too fast, and you flip into a turnover. Saturday will be the frosting on the cake. If you’re lucky, it’s strawberry. Stick out your tongue occasionally and see how sweet it is.

Sagittarius: Someone offers you a leg up on a situation, but once you get there, you’re tempted to rip it off and beat them over the head with it. Stay calm, or you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Capricorn: You may have a close call this week. From now on, keep the phone far away from your face. In fact, you’re probably better off with two tin cans and a string.

Aquarius: Friday looks a little brighter than usual. Could be some unexpected good fortune, or your sweetie bought new light bulbs. Either way, you’ll be able to see a new path.

Pisces: Things may not go your way, but you’re building some impressive muscles as you fight the current. When the tide finally turns, you’ll be better. Stronger. Faster.

 

Aries: Lately you’ve been as disciplined as a toddler raised by wild Kardashians. Pull yourself together, because you’re going to need at least a few social skills on Thursday. Grunting and making duckfaces at your boss will only take you so far.

Taurus: Not every light at the end of the tunnel is a train. Sometimes it’s a UFO, ready to take you away to the planet of unbelievably gorgeous models for some serious probing. Just in case, stay off the tracks until you know for sure.

Gemini: This weekend you’ll have the opportunity to peer inside the mysteries of the universe. Try to look impressed when you find out it’s just a game of Scrabble played by three drunken fairies.

Cancer: Nothing says “ready for love” like a new outfit. Since your look says “ready for rehab,” grab that wallet and head to the mall now.

Leo: Life may be all about the journey, not the destination, but you’re still stuck taking photos of yourself at the starting line. Strap your ego to the roof of the car and get going; if you’re lucky, a low bridge may shave a little off the top.

Virgo:  Your life clicks along like clockwork, but on Tuesday something will pop out a few cogs. Go with the flow and ignore the numbers for a while.

Libra: Beauty isn’t about how you look, it’s how you act. You’ll stay gorgeous for decades with a kind heart, and you’ll save lots of cash on expensive face cream, too.

Scorpio: The only way you’ll give in to self-reflection is if you have a pool installed in your belly button.  Once you’re in there, paddle toward the deep end. Too scary? Invest in some Little Mermaid arm floaties.

Sagittarius: You like to blend in, but lately you’re about as conspicuous as faded flowers in the wallpaper. Step out of your comfort zone and into the spotlight; you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll blossom and grow.

Capricorn: There’s no reason to fear change. A quarter has never mugged anyone at knifepoint. Just watch out for stray nickels burrowing up your nose, and you’ll be fine.

Aquarius: Each day is a new gift. Sometimes it’s a certificate to your favorite restaurant, other times it’s ill-fitting underwear from your grandmother. No matter what you get, remember to write a thank-you note at the end of the day.

Pisces: If you cup overflows, it’s time to upgrade to a larger athletic supporter. You have the huevos to carry off some ambitious plans, but occasionally life will kick you in the balls.

Aries: Your load will be lighter, but that’s because someone stole half your stuff.  As long as they didn’t steal your special homemade naughty tape, you’ll be better for it. If they did, hey baby, you could be a star!

Taurus: Tuesday will be like the kid from Kindergarten who always ate paste: weird, and slightly smelly. You don’t have to be rude, but it’s still a good idea to slowly back away from it.

Gemini: When life is too smooth, you’ll always make your own speed bumps. Try to enjoy the ride instead of hopping out and throwing yourself under the bus.

Cancer: In every life a little rain must fall, but when you’re wet and don’t see any clouds, it makes you wonder. Look around for a really tall guy with his pants unzipped, grab a rake and smack him until he quits tinkling on you. Sometimes you have to make your own sunshine.

Leo:  Not every day can be filled with movie explosions and heroic deeds. Sometimes you need to appreciate the quiet successes, like not chasing your co-workers with a shovel.

Virgo:  Never underestimate the power of one banana peel to totally turn your day around. If you don’t want to watch them fall, glue a dollar to the office floor.  You’ll finally enjoy a day at work.

Libra: You may not be the sharpest pencil in the drawer, but that’s a good thing on Thursday. If someone throws you at the ceiling, you’ll just come right back down.

Scorpio: Friday may seem like it’s all about suffering, but take heart: there’s a hint of humiliation in there too. Avoid your sweetie until they come off that high horse or you’ll get kicked repeatedly in the head.

Sagittarius: Go out tonight and try something new. You really don’t want to be where everyone knows your name, especially after that Dr. Phil segment airs. Give everyone time to calm down and hide their chickens.

Capricorn: Tuesday you’ll receive a special gift bag from the universe. Feel free to open it up and enjoy, as long as it’s not flaming and left on your porch.

Aquarius: When it comes to flights of fancy, you have a lot of airline miles. Cash those in and do something real toward your goal, like printing business cards or hiring a therapist to talk you out of two-toed sloth farming.

Pisces: There may not be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, but there’s usually a pride parade. Jump in and let your freak flag fly, because being your wild self is better than leprechaun booty.