Aries: No one said life would be easy, but you would expect it to be a little less drippy. Fix the roof, housebreak the dog and buy some allergy meds. Or just take the Benadryl and sleep through the rest of your soggy day. Either way works, really.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you are energized, ambitious and brimming with determination…for about five seconds. Whew, that was exhausting. Better take a break and have a beer.

Gemini: Who says you can’t be everywhere at once? Hook all your friends up to the grapevine today, because you’re the topic of conversation. You could nip it in the bud or spread enough horseplotz to make it grow into something wild.

Cancer: No one has all the answers in life. If they did, they would be super annoying and would have no friends. Treasure your ignorance, it’s the only reason people can stand you.

Leo: It’s good to have goals, but when you stuff too many in one place, they start killing each other off like horror movie scream queens. Pick a couple to be the stars in your personal show and keep them away from chain saws.

Virgo: Inflexible? You have to steam yourself just to bend over. Prepare to boil a lot of water this weekend, because your attitude will be twisted into a crazy straw wrapped around a pretzel.

Libra: Go ahead, paint yourself blue, limbo under park benches and sing Cylon showtunes. If you can’t be the best, you can definitely be a finalist for the craziest.

Scorpio: The truth is all around you, and it’s very bitey. If you can’t put a muzzle on it, you can distract it with a large steak or a slow-running friend. Of course, you could face down the truth, but save that for a last resort.

Sagittarius: Everything’s coming up roses, but only if you can handle all the little pricks. If you get too thorny, you can always pucker up to some tulips.

Capricorn: Your best luck will happen at 1 p.m. Tuesday when a man in a green hat will ask you for a piece of gum. You’ll say no, and avoid being dragged into an international spy ring of chicken dancers. Go ahead, thank your lucky stars.

Aquarius: The key to life is inside a fake rock and lost in your backyard. Don’t worry, by the time you find it with a lawnmower, you’ll have changed the locks anyway. The neighbor might be pissed over his broken window, though.

Pisces: To everything there is a season, but when it’s snowing, you’re wearing flip flops. Coordinate your closet with the weather forecast this week, and you might end up in the right pants at the right time.

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