Aries: The stars are with you on Friday, which is good, because you’ll need an alibi come Monday morning. Try to look innocent if you can.

Taurus: One door just closed. You can wait until another one opens, or you can take matters into your own hands by jiggling doorknobs until you find a karmic door no one’s locked. Who has time to wait for the universe, anyway?

Gemini: When you feel you aren’t good enough, remember this: some people are making a living by selling alien abduction insurance. If those warped individuals can get out there and do something, you have no excuses.

Cancer: Can’t find life’s path to happiness? Quit using Apple Maps and just take one step today toward something that doesn’t make you want to tear your hair out. Repeat as needed.

Leo: You have the strange sensation that it’s not all about you. Call up your karmic laundry service and complain, because someone shrunk your ego a few sizes. Thank goodness Amazon offers overnight delivery on narcissism.

Virgo: If you take the good and you take the bad, put them together and you have a rather crappy day unsuitable for sitcoms. Make Thursday better with a laugh track and tequila.

Libra: The best things in life are free if you’re cheap enough. Those Daisy Dukes may get you a car, but both your soul and your booty will stick to the leather seats on a hot day.

Scorpio: Life’s mysteries surround you. Where do lost socks go? Why do pens abandon you when you need them most? Do fake boobs really shrink like party balloons on really cold days? Answer all these and you may be the next talk show guru.

Sagittarius: It’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, because now you know to get a pre-nup and protect your Oak Ridge Boys record collection. Those sexy legs aren’t nearly as cute if you imagine them carrying away half your stuff.

Capricorn: Some days you’re the crash test dummy, some days you’re the bumper, but all days are going to smack you around to some degree. Keep your emotional seat belt fastened for Friday and you’ll come through unscathed.

Aquarius: The sun shines on you this weekend, but you’ll squint like a mole in a spotlight because you’re not used to it. Let your good fortune creep up to your side so it doesn’t startle you.

Pisces: You’ve checked under plenty of rocks for opportunities, but you’ve never thought to just pick them off the tree. Forget the low-hanging fruit, go for the shining apples at the top and don’t look down. Also, wear a helmet for the moment you inevitably look down.

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