Aries: You’ll have a chance to grab the golden ring on Friday; make sure it’s free and clear, and not pierced through someone’s belly button, or you could end up with some extra baggage.
Taurus: Someone’s getting a rise out of you, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Save that for later when the video camera is running and the jar of strawberry jam has been opened.
Gemini: You don’t want the world on a silver platter, because platinum is so much better. Be careful when holding out for the best, because you could end up with old pizza in tinfoil.
Cancer: The secret to success will be revealed to you on Thursday, but will you find three virgins, a volcano and an honest reality TV star in time? Probably not.
Leo: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Granted, most of them are protesters for the Free Range Mice Foundation, but at least you have the satisfaction of turning the hose on them.
Virgo: In life, it’s not the big wounds that get you down, it’s all the little pricks. Stock up on Band-Aids, because a few will poke you on Tuesday.
Libra: Give a man a fish and you’ll see him again at dinner time. Teach him to play fishing games on the Internet, and you’ll only have to drop off a few bags of Doritos and beef jerky before you hit the town with his credit card.
Scorpio: Just when you see the end of the maze, someone moves your cheese. Stay positive, because at least you’re enjoying the fresh air and keeping busy. Things could be worse, especially if you know an inventive Leo.
Sagittarius: There are two ways for you to be light on your feet: fall in love, or invest in helium balloons. Considering your dating options, go for the balloons, because they won’t set your CD collection on fire in the yard.
Capricorn: You’ve been feeling as unwanted as a politician in the middle of a hungry zombie hoard. Beef up that brain with something new on Wednesday; a little info could make you a hot, tasty commodity.
Aquarius: One man’s trash may be another’s treasure, but frankly, the second guy’s probably a nutball anyway. Skip the sketchy pirate maps and keep your eye on the good stuff.
Pisces: You’ve waited so long for your ship to come in, you’ve rebuilt the pier three times. Get ready to throw the confetti, though, because you won’t miss this boat on Friday. Just hope it’s not a Carnival cruise.