Aries: You’re no flash in the pan, but on Tuesday you’re not even sparkler-worthy, either.  Try again to harness that shooting star, because you’re brighter than this.

Taurus: There’s nothing like coming home after a job well done to a loving family. Keep holding on to that fantasy; it will keep you slightly calmer while you sort out who painted the dog with Magic Markers.

Gemini: Don’t listen to the haters. You’re doing something amazing right now, and it didn’t even require taking off your clothes. Remember, those who can’t do, end up commenting on the Internet.

Cancer: Spontaneity is your middle name on Friday, but after an incident with a tub of cream cheese and your neighbor’s hedgehog, you may want to change that to Plausible Deniability.

Leo:  You didn’t ask to be this awesome, you just woke up one day and it happened. Remember, if you’re kind to everyone on your way up the ladder, they won’t set fire to your pants leg on the way back down.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you’ll have the chance to do something meaningful and life-affirming, but you’ll probably skip it because it means going outside. Hope that ‘Real Housewives’ marathon is worth it.

Libra: Being outstanding isn’t bad, but in your case it means you’re the weird one who will get picked last for the team. Quit showing off your Justin Bieber underwear and you’ll finally quit warming the bench with the Bieb’s face.

Scorpio: You’re finally on track! Wait, is that a train? Don’t let your fears derail you, because what looks like a steam engine is just a coyote with a flashlight and a pushcar.

Sagittarius: Deep down in your soul, you know the answer. Unfortunately, it’s the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question you were asked in 1998. Call up your former 8th grade classmates and brag about your newfound knowledge; they’ll be suitably impressed.

Capricorn: Sometimes life doesn’t hand you a dream realized, it just emails you a lesson learned. Keep collecting those lessons, eventually you can redeem them for a minor epiphany.

Aquarius: The bravest soul isn’t the one facing the lion, it’s the guy sneaking up behind it to take its temperature. Once you have it by the tail, you’ll need perfect aim and fast reflexes to succeed.

Pisces: Instead of being nervous like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, follow the cat who builds a rocket engine, mounts it on a chair and flies it through the window toward your highest goals. Yeah, be that cat, because no rocker will hold you down.

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