You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2013.

Aries: No one said life would be easy, but you would expect it to be a little less drippy. Fix the roof, housebreak the dog and buy some allergy meds. Or just take the Benadryl and sleep through the rest of your soggy day. Either way works, really.

Taurus: On Wednesday, you are energized, ambitious and brimming with determination…for about five seconds. Whew, that was exhausting. Better take a break and have a beer.

Gemini: Who says you can’t be everywhere at once? Hook all your friends up to the grapevine today, because you’re the topic of conversation. You could nip it in the bud or spread enough horseplotz to make it grow into something wild.

Cancer: No one has all the answers in life. If they did, they would be super annoying and would have no friends. Treasure your ignorance, it’s the only reason people can stand you.

Leo: It’s good to have goals, but when you stuff too many in one place, they start killing each other off like horror movie scream queens. Pick a couple to be the stars in your personal show and keep them away from chain saws.

Virgo: Inflexible? You have to steam yourself just to bend over. Prepare to boil a lot of water this weekend, because your attitude will be twisted into a crazy straw wrapped around a pretzel.

Libra: Go ahead, paint yourself blue, limbo under park benches and sing Cylon showtunes. If you can’t be the best, you can definitely be a finalist for the craziest.

Scorpio: The truth is all around you, and it’s very bitey. If you can’t put a muzzle on it, you can distract it with a large steak or a slow-running friend. Of course, you could face down the truth, but save that for a last resort.

Sagittarius: Everything’s coming up roses, but only if you can handle all the little pricks. If you get too thorny, you can always pucker up to some tulips.

Capricorn: Your best luck will happen at 1 p.m. Tuesday when a man in a green hat will ask you for a piece of gum. You’ll say no, and avoid being dragged into an international spy ring of chicken dancers. Go ahead, thank your lucky stars.

Aquarius: The key to life is inside a fake rock and lost in your backyard. Don’t worry, by the time you find it with a lawnmower, you’ll have changed the locks anyway. The neighbor might be pissed over his broken window, though.

Pisces: To everything there is a season, but when it’s snowing, you’re wearing flip flops. Coordinate your closet with the weather forecast this week, and you might end up in the right pants at the right time.

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Aries: The stars are with you on Friday, which is good, because you’ll need an alibi come Monday morning. Try to look innocent if you can.

Taurus: One door just closed. You can wait until another one opens, or you can take matters into your own hands by jiggling doorknobs until you find a karmic door no one’s locked. Who has time to wait for the universe, anyway?

Gemini: When you feel you aren’t good enough, remember this: some people are making a living by selling alien abduction insurance. If those warped individuals can get out there and do something, you have no excuses.

Cancer: Can’t find life’s path to happiness? Quit using Apple Maps and just take one step today toward something that doesn’t make you want to tear your hair out. Repeat as needed.

Leo: You have the strange sensation that it’s not all about you. Call up your karmic laundry service and complain, because someone shrunk your ego a few sizes. Thank goodness Amazon offers overnight delivery on narcissism.

Virgo: If you take the good and you take the bad, put them together and you have a rather crappy day unsuitable for sitcoms. Make Thursday better with a laugh track and tequila.

Libra: The best things in life are free if you’re cheap enough. Those Daisy Dukes may get you a car, but both your soul and your booty will stick to the leather seats on a hot day.

Scorpio: Life’s mysteries surround you. Where do lost socks go? Why do pens abandon you when you need them most? Do fake boobs really shrink like party balloons on really cold days? Answer all these and you may be the next talk show guru.

Sagittarius: It’s better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, because now you know to get a pre-nup and protect your Oak Ridge Boys record collection. Those sexy legs aren’t nearly as cute if you imagine them carrying away half your stuff.

Capricorn: Some days you’re the crash test dummy, some days you’re the bumper, but all days are going to smack you around to some degree. Keep your emotional seat belt fastened for Friday and you’ll come through unscathed.

Aquarius: The sun shines on you this weekend, but you’ll squint like a mole in a spotlight because you’re not used to it. Let your good fortune creep up to your side so it doesn’t startle you.

Pisces: You’ve checked under plenty of rocks for opportunities, but you’ve never thought to just pick them off the tree. Forget the low-hanging fruit, go for the shining apples at the top and don’t look down. Also, wear a helmet for the moment you inevitably look down.

Aries: You’ll have a chance to grab the golden ring on Friday; make sure it’s free and clear, and not pierced through someone’s belly button, or you could end up with some extra baggage.

Taurus: Someone’s getting a rise out of you, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Save that for later when the video camera is running and the jar of strawberry jam has been opened.

Gemini: You don’t want the world on a silver platter, because platinum is so much better. Be careful when holding out for the best, because you could end up with old pizza in tinfoil.

Cancer: The secret to success will be revealed to you on Thursday, but will you find three virgins, a volcano and an honest reality TV star in time? Probably not.

Leo: Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door. Granted, most of them are protesters for the Free Range Mice Foundation, but at least you have the satisfaction of turning the hose on them.

Virgo: In life, it’s not the big wounds that get you down, it’s all the little pricks. Stock up on Band-Aids, because a few will poke you on Tuesday.

Libra: Give a man a fish and you’ll see him again at dinner time. Teach him to play fishing games on the Internet, and you’ll only have to drop off a few bags of Doritos and beef jerky before you hit the town with his credit card.

Scorpio: Just when you see the end of the maze, someone moves your cheese. Stay positive, because at least you’re enjoying the fresh air and keeping busy. Things could be worse, especially if you know an inventive Leo.

Sagittarius: There are two ways for you to be light on your feet: fall in love, or invest in helium balloons. Considering your dating options, go for the balloons, because they won’t set your CD collection on fire in the yard.

Capricorn: You’ve been feeling as unwanted as a politician in the middle of a hungry zombie hoard. Beef up that brain with something new on Wednesday; a little info could make you a hot, tasty commodity.

Aquarius:  One man’s trash may be another’s treasure, but frankly, the second guy’s probably a nutball anyway.  Skip the sketchy pirate maps and keep your eye on the good stuff.

Pisces: You’ve waited so long for your ship to come in, you’ve rebuilt the pier three times. Get ready to throw the confetti, though, because you won’t miss this boat on Friday. Just hope it’s not a Carnival cruise.

Aries: You’re no flash in the pan, but on Tuesday you’re not even sparkler-worthy, either.  Try again to harness that shooting star, because you’re brighter than this.

Taurus: There’s nothing like coming home after a job well done to a loving family. Keep holding on to that fantasy; it will keep you slightly calmer while you sort out who painted the dog with Magic Markers.

Gemini: Don’t listen to the haters. You’re doing something amazing right now, and it didn’t even require taking off your clothes. Remember, those who can’t do, end up commenting on the Internet.

Cancer: Spontaneity is your middle name on Friday, but after an incident with a tub of cream cheese and your neighbor’s hedgehog, you may want to change that to Plausible Deniability.

Leo:  You didn’t ask to be this awesome, you just woke up one day and it happened. Remember, if you’re kind to everyone on your way up the ladder, they won’t set fire to your pants leg on the way back down.

Virgo: On Wednesday, you’ll have the chance to do something meaningful and life-affirming, but you’ll probably skip it because it means going outside. Hope that ‘Real Housewives’ marathon is worth it.

Libra: Being outstanding isn’t bad, but in your case it means you’re the weird one who will get picked last for the team. Quit showing off your Justin Bieber underwear and you’ll finally quit warming the bench with the Bieb’s face.

Scorpio: You’re finally on track! Wait, is that a train? Don’t let your fears derail you, because what looks like a steam engine is just a coyote with a flashlight and a pushcar.

Sagittarius: Deep down in your soul, you know the answer. Unfortunately, it’s the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question you were asked in 1998. Call up your former 8th grade classmates and brag about your newfound knowledge; they’ll be suitably impressed.

Capricorn: Sometimes life doesn’t hand you a dream realized, it just emails you a lesson learned. Keep collecting those lessons, eventually you can redeem them for a minor epiphany.

Aquarius: The bravest soul isn’t the one facing the lion, it’s the guy sneaking up behind it to take its temperature. Once you have it by the tail, you’ll need perfect aim and fast reflexes to succeed.

Pisces: Instead of being nervous like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs, follow the cat who builds a rocket engine, mounts it on a chair and flies it through the window toward your highest goals. Yeah, be that cat, because no rocker will hold you down.