Aries: Just when you’re ready for the bluebirds of happiness, here come the buzzards of despair. Cheer up, at least it’s not the pterodactyls of hauling you away and turning you into lunch. Those are the worst.

Taurus: The economy has challenged your cheap-fu skills, but you can stretch a package of ramen into three meals and use the wrapper in a school craft project. No one can top you, so why not teach others your awesomeness?

Gemini: You are a beacon into the night, just when everyone else is trying to get some sleep. Either learn to duck large, flying objects thrown at your head, or go find a nice quiet corner to shine.

Cancer: Honesty is its own reward, but too much truthfulness can award you a purse upside your head. Learn some tact, or you could be rewarded into a small, whimpering puddle.

Leo: What’s the point of being you when there’s no one around to watch? Save your amazing reveals for the audience, and you can spend the rest of your time practicing your humble face in the mirror. Not too close, though, seeing those wrinkles will sour your performance.

Virgo: You think you know what’s best, but someone at work has an ever better idea. Don’t let it ruffle your feathers, just give them a chance to rule the roost for a few days. Considering the crazy clucks you work with, they’ll want out of the henhouse soon enough.

Libra: Some days you’re the angry bird, some days you’re the pig, but on Tuesday you’re the bricks that get knocked down. If you fall apart, it’s okay; you can always re-set at the end of the day.

Scorpio: Not all success comes from hard work, sometimes it’s just sheer dumb luck. Play in the rain if you want, just know the difference between fortune tumbling from the sky and a safe falling on your head.

Sagittarius: You’re ready to win someone’s heart, you’re just waiting for them to cut the cards. Forget about that poker face and put all the chips on the table. No one else needs to know you’ve stacked the deck.

Capricorn: Confused about a situation? It’s time to find a quiet place in that mosh pit of a mind. You’ll think better without the constant mental yells of “Dude, watch this!”

Aquarius: Yes, slow and steady wins the race, but by the time you finish, they’ve already started next year’s marathon. Pick up the pace and you might just pick up a medal, too.

Pisces: Tired of the small pond and the big ocean, little fishie? Build yourself a nice think tank so you can enjoy the water without sharks or guppies. Just remember to ease into the water when you go back so you won’t be flushed away.

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