Aries: Forget what Yoda said; if there is no “try,” why do we have trial subscriptions and bad college decisions? Quit letting a Muppet tell you what to do and try something new on Friday.
Taurus: You can’t fix every problem, but you do know that trick with the photocopier and the coffeepot. That’s enough to earn you hero status on Monday.
Gemini: What you see as a problem is just good fortune wearing a funny mask. Step back and laugh so your karma can reveal itself. No pointing, though. That’s just rude.
Cancer: If you want more lovin’ on Valentine’s Day, you have to give something first. Your sweetie wants something sparkly to wear, but that does not mean a bottle of stripper glitter. Whip out that paycheck and head into the jewelry store.
Leo: In life, as in cooking, sometimes you have to make a few mistakes before you find that magical recipe. Do it right, and you’ll make someone’s buns rise to new heights.
Virgo: It’s all fun and games until someone slaps you upside the head with the Scrabble board. You may not win the game, but the tiles embedded in your face are worth at least 20 points.
Libra: Some things are worth fighting for, but your parking space is not one of them. Talk out your disputes so you don’t have to defend your crazy ass in that YouTube video. Ain’t no one got time for that.
Scorpio: Your kindness knows no bounds. Really, you need to fence it in before it humps some stranger’s leg. Get a good leash so you can still give your kindness some walkies, though.
Sagittarius: The world is filled with winners and losers, but you can’t even find the ball park. Before you work on that swing, you need to improve your sense of direction. Otherwise, you’ll be picked last after that kid who eats his own boogers.
Capricorn: There’s a bright spot in your day, and it sticks around until evening, making your world glow. If you still see it the next day, though, get your eyes checked.
Aquarius: Everyone hopes that Lady Luck will shake her booty their way, but few chase after her plainer sister, Hard Work. Go ahead and call her up; she’s always available, and you’ll sleep better at night.
Pisces: Someone’s trying to mold you into shape. Little do they know you’re like Jell-O nailed to the wall; you just slide right back into place. Humor them for a while, then go all “The Blob” on them so they’ll appreciate you more.