You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2013.

Aries: Life can often be as sweet as candy, but usually it just makes you feel like an all-day sucker. Be careful on Tuesday, you might get stuck to the dog or covered in lint.

Taurus: Ever look back on your life and realize you’re just one bad decision away from becoming a cautionary tale? Try a little harder to make the right choices, even if it means getting out of your chair.

Gemini: Beauty may be skin-deep, but paranoia goes right through your bones just like an alien X-ray. Before you screw on that tinfoil hat, get a fresh opinion. The world may be out to get you, but it can wait a couple of days before making its move.

Cancer:  Your tantrum blew out more windows than the Russian meteor. Give yourself a time-out to cool down, then roll up your sleeves and try to make things right. It’s going to take more than some plywood and nails to steer away the cold shoulder you’re about to get.

Leo: There are brighter days ahead, but you’ll never see them with your head stuck up your butt. Try to enjoy what life gives you instead of constantly demanding to see the manager.

Virgo: Some are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them, and you’ll find it in a mall parking lot around 2 p.m. on Thursday. Use a tissue to pick it up, it’s sticky.

Libra: Your keen sense of observation has landed you in another pickle. Grab the sandwich and run, and let the chips fall where they may.

Scorpio: Feel like you’ve lost your mojo? Look under the couch; it’s shriveled up next to the empty tequila bottle and a ‘Twilight’ DVD.  It will take come care and feeding, but you’ll bring it back to full health. Start with some Bruce Lee movies, that always helps.

Sagittarius:  You have the strength inside you to do anything. Yes, you can change your life, but first, how about changing those shoes? Open-toed plaid snow boots really aren’t your style.

Capricorn: Self-reflection is good, but you’ve gone from deep contemplation to banging the glass like a frisky cockatiel. Fluff those feathers and go meet some new people. While you’re out, pick some Windex. That mirror has beak prints all over it.

Aquarius: You’re feeling luckier than a country singer at a family reunion. Before you scoop up all the secrets, make sure your own closet has enough storage space by kicking out a few skeletons.

Pisces: The winter has caused your brain cells to float away like helium balloons. Grab those suckers and rub them together until they crackle, because you’re one great thought away from achieving your goal.

 

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Aries: Just when you’re ready for the bluebirds of happiness, here come the buzzards of despair. Cheer up, at least it’s not the pterodactyls of hauling you away and turning you into lunch. Those are the worst.

Taurus: The economy has challenged your cheap-fu skills, but you can stretch a package of ramen into three meals and use the wrapper in a school craft project. No one can top you, so why not teach others your awesomeness?

Gemini: You are a beacon into the night, just when everyone else is trying to get some sleep. Either learn to duck large, flying objects thrown at your head, or go find a nice quiet corner to shine.

Cancer: Honesty is its own reward, but too much truthfulness can award you a purse upside your head. Learn some tact, or you could be rewarded into a small, whimpering puddle.

Leo: What’s the point of being you when there’s no one around to watch? Save your amazing reveals for the audience, and you can spend the rest of your time practicing your humble face in the mirror. Not too close, though, seeing those wrinkles will sour your performance.

Virgo: You think you know what’s best, but someone at work has an ever better idea. Don’t let it ruffle your feathers, just give them a chance to rule the roost for a few days. Considering the crazy clucks you work with, they’ll want out of the henhouse soon enough.

Libra: Some days you’re the angry bird, some days you’re the pig, but on Tuesday you’re the bricks that get knocked down. If you fall apart, it’s okay; you can always re-set at the end of the day.

Scorpio: Not all success comes from hard work, sometimes it’s just sheer dumb luck. Play in the rain if you want, just know the difference between fortune tumbling from the sky and a safe falling on your head.

Sagittarius: You’re ready to win someone’s heart, you’re just waiting for them to cut the cards. Forget about that poker face and put all the chips on the table. No one else needs to know you’ve stacked the deck.

Capricorn: Confused about a situation? It’s time to find a quiet place in that mosh pit of a mind. You’ll think better without the constant mental yells of “Dude, watch this!”

Aquarius: Yes, slow and steady wins the race, but by the time you finish, they’ve already started next year’s marathon. Pick up the pace and you might just pick up a medal, too.

Pisces: Tired of the small pond and the big ocean, little fishie? Build yourself a nice think tank so you can enjoy the water without sharks or guppies. Just remember to ease into the water when you go back so you won’t be flushed away.

Aries: Forget what Yoda said; if there is no “try,” why do we have trial subscriptions and bad college decisions? Quit letting a Muppet tell you what to do and try something new on Friday.

Taurus: You can’t fix every problem, but you do know that trick with the photocopier and the coffeepot. That’s enough to earn you hero status on Monday.

Gemini: What you see as a problem is just good fortune wearing a funny mask. Step back and laugh so your karma can reveal itself. No pointing, though. That’s just rude.

Cancer: If you want more lovin’ on Valentine’s Day, you have to give something first. Your sweetie wants something sparkly to wear, but that does not mean a bottle of stripper glitter. Whip out that paycheck and head into the jewelry store.

Leo: In life, as in cooking, sometimes you have to make a few mistakes before you find that magical recipe. Do it right, and you’ll make someone’s buns rise to new heights.

Virgo: It’s all fun and games until someone slaps you upside the head with the Scrabble board. You may not win the game, but the tiles embedded in your face are worth at least 20 points.

Libra: Some things are worth fighting for, but your parking space is not one of them. Talk out your disputes so you don’t have to defend your crazy ass in that YouTube video. Ain’t no one got time for that.

Scorpio: Your kindness knows no bounds. Really, you need to fence it in before it humps some stranger’s leg. Get a good leash so you can still give your kindness some walkies, though.

Sagittarius: The world is filled with winners and losers, but you can’t even find the ball park. Before you work on that swing, you need to improve your sense of direction. Otherwise, you’ll be picked last after that kid who eats his own boogers.

Capricorn: There’s a bright spot in your day, and it sticks around until evening, making your world glow. If you still see it the next day, though, get your eyes checked.

Aquarius: Everyone hopes that Lady Luck will shake her booty their way, but few chase after her plainer sister, Hard Work. Go ahead and call her up; she’s always available, and you’ll sleep better at night.

Pisces: Someone’s trying to mold you into shape. Little do they know you’re like Jell-O nailed to the wall; you just slide right back into place. Humor them for a while, then go all “The Blob” on them so they’ll appreciate you more.

Aries: When it comes to your temper, you normally get a lot of bang for your buck. Friday’s tantrum will fizzle, because you have to listen before you can react. At least you won’t blow your own hand off by holding on to some stupid reason for being angry.

Taurus: In the game of love, you’re always the shoe, never the car. That’s okay. Considering the hotties who would let you pass “Go” anyway, you’d just use up the $200 for antibiotics.

Gemini: Most people have a one-two punch, but you get in several licks before anyone realizes you’re there. Line up your best shot, because you’re about to pummel someone with your awesomeness.

Cancer: The whole world is looking at you; are you ready for your close-up? Everyone’s going to have questions about you, the senator and the ferret, so practice those sound bites before the news trucks roll up.

Leo: If life were a contest, you would score a blue ribbon every time. While the universe is filled with winners and losers, you don’t have to compete for the best moments, just cool those track shoes so they can catch up with you.

Virgo: You want your office to run like clockwork, but it tends to move like a cheap compass, pointing toward anything shiny. Quit obsessing over the cogs and let the needle wander; occasionally it aims in the right direction.

Libra: You’re starting to feel like ten pounds of crazy in a two-pound bag. Time to slow down and let out those seams, or someone could lose an eye when you finally burst out.

Scorpio: Thursday will be like a wet cough drop in your pocket; everything’s going to stick to it. Don’t obsess over picking off the lint, just set your sights on Friday and keep moving.

Sagittarius: Love may be a dance, but the only person you’ll attract with those moves is a chiropractor. Stick with the basics and aim for grace instead of traction.

Capricorn: You need the expertise of someone you despise to solve a situation. Don’t worry, this is why margarita happy hours were invented. It’s easier to grin and bear it with a mouthful of tequila.

Aquarius: Every journey begins with a single step. Sometimes it’s a step backwards, but hey, at least you’re moving. Next time, try one foot in front of the other with a forward motion.

Pisces: If you’re tired of everyone dumping their problems on you and never returning the favor of a friendly ear, cheer up. You’re the one with all their secrets. That should be worth a few free dinners, don’t you think?