You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2013.
Aries: Good things come in small packages, but let’s face it: better things show up in big ones. Put on your back brace and do some warm-ups, because Thursday will bring you something worth carrying awkwardly to the car.
Taurus: Everyone knows you don’t get out much, but you should at least lean to one side occasionally so workers can scrape the moss off your butt. The universe will also stick a wild hair up there to get you outside for a change. Wear sunglasses so you don’t burst into flames in the sunlight.
Gemini: You dislike your boss now, but it would be even worse if you worked for yourself. Would you pay you to photocopy random office supplies and create dioramas from Spanish soap operas? Exactly. Be thankful for negligent overlords.
Cancer: You may not always have the right words, but those stick people pictures get your point across. Be careful, though; one person’s Pictionary champion is another’s sexual harassment lawsuit.
Leo: Some days you’re the poop, some days you’re the scoop. This week, you’re the top dog, marking all your favorite territory. If you feel bad for those around you, send them a box of plastic gloves.
Virgo: If you try to play life by the numbers, it will throw you an equation so deep, it looks like a Calculus book exploded in a blender. Deal with the simple problems, and leave the mind-bending math to the universe.
Libra: You’ve faced some tough nuts before, but this one is particularly hard to crack. Don’t worry, you’ll figure out how to make your problem vanish on Friday. Just aim that knee right, and the worries will crumple, moan and roll at your feet.
Scorpio: No one said you have to know all the answers, but a couple of basic ones wouldn’t hurt. Go ahead, look in the back of the book so you won’t sound like a complete moron. Karma grades on a curve, anyway.
Sagittarius: Something will happen on Monday to make you happier than Lance Armstrong in a drugstore. Don’t overdo it, though, because Oprah doesn’t want to hear your particular apology.
Capricorn: Who says life isn’t all about you? Of course it is, silly, it’s your life. You just have to acknowledge other people in it occasionally, unless you like a lonely existence of counting wallpaper flowers. Go out and do something nice, before those flowers start talking to you.
Aquarius: Your big break will arrive at 2:30 Tuesday, unless you’re in the bathroom, or asleep, or watching a “Real Housewives” marathon. In that case, it will shake its head and move on.
Pisces: The impossible is just the improbable with a lot of work behind it. You’ve done the work, now it’s time to pull a few impossible things from your sleeve. Not that tissue, though. That’s just gross.
Aries: An office-mate is so annoying, you want to slap them like a cheap snooze alarm. Hold the smackdown and just tell them how much the boss enjoys hearing about their grandchildren. Nature will take its course.
Taurus: You’re no stranger to the land of love, but it’s been awhile since you had your passport stamped. Try some new phrases on this journey, like “Have you lost weight?” and “More wine?”
Gemini: A good magician never tells his secrets, but you have some tricks so awesome, people around the house think you’re Gandalf. You can spill the beans if you want, but silence will boost your reputation and make you a love god. So, yeah, keep quiet.
Cancer: Following your dreams sounds nice, until you realize dreams don’t come with GPS. Make a plan, plot your trip and tell your dreams to get in the back and watch TV until you reach your destination.
Leo: A life well lived doesn’t have to be pedal-to-the-metal, 120 MPH every day. A nice day cruise calms the soul, and it’s far easier on your undercarriage if the road gets bumpy. Slow down before you get whacked right in the oil pan.
Virgo: You adore precision. Stopping on a dime? That’s for losers; you can pivot on a pixel if needed. Good thing you have skills, because Thursday you may need the turning radius of a crop circle to fix a situation.
Libra: The best-laid plans of mice and men go awry, which is why you never hire rodents as wedding planners or send a male to the mall. On Wednesday, suit up and do a difficult task yourself. It may not end up perfect, but it will get done with a minimum of farting or squeaking.
Scorpio: Tired of feeling crumpled in a corner at the end of the week? On Saturday, you’re a clean sheet of paper, and you’ll meet someone with the perfect-sized pen. Oh! That tickles.
Sagittarius: Magic is where you find it. So what if your unicorn is someone else’s pony who faceplanted on an ice cream cone? Enjoy a few illusions; they often provide some cozy shag carpeting over the cold floor of reality.
Capricorn: Every now and then, you get what you want. Don’t consider it a reward from the universe, though. It’s mainly to make you lower your guard for the next kick to the crotch. Maybe some of your good fortune should go toward a cup.
Aquarius: Life is a funny thing, packed with puns and knock-knock jokes. On Thursday you’ll finally catch one of the punchlines. After the laugh, be prepared to apologize to makers of strawberry jam, some chickens and your high school P.E. coach.
Pisces: Your imagination isn’t just overactive, it has ripped abs and buns of steel. You’ll have an opportunity to show it off in some form-fitting Daisy Dukes this week, so get ready for the whistles.
Aries: Leave no stone unturned, and all you’ll have are pissed-off worms. Set your sights higher, because very few wild geese travel by bus.
Taurus: The new year is filled with ups and downs, but you have a saddle and you’re ready to ride, thanks to that copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ under your Christmas tree. Yee-hah!
Gemini: Something isn’t going your way, but don’t let the turkeys get you down, especially since they have mean roundhouse kicks and a vicious upper cut. Whip out your ninja fighting skills and you’ll have turkey sandwiches for weeks.
Cancer: Chin up, Tuesday will be a brighter day, thanks to that new 12-pack of light bulbs you just bought. Gather all your lamps in one room and pretend you’re sunning on the beach. You’ll be nice and relaxed until the electric bill comes in.
Leo: The old saying is “Stop and smell the roses,” not “mow them down with a weedwhacker.” Get more rest, less caffeine, and avoid flower shops for a while. Or at least that one.
Virgo: Not every answer is blowing in the wind. Some are tied up in tree branches, and a few never even left the house. Go back in, make some hot chocolate and put your feet up. Answers tend to skitter out when you least expect it.
Libra: No personal problem is so great that it can’t be lightened by laughing at someone else. Chances are you know a few idiots, but if you don’t, there’s always Lindsay Lohan or Justin Bieber.
Scorpio: Your issue at work will be solved when someone finally figures out where the boss hid that USB drive. Problem is, no one wants to go in and get it. If you have latex gloves and a desire for promotion, this could be your chance.
Sagittarius: Sometimes the world doesn’t make any sense; that’s why the Universe gave us humor and beer. Toast the unknown and realize your memories are all written on the backs of smudged napkins and stapled to the stars above.
Capricorn: Already given up on your resolutions? Don’t consider yourself a failure, just realize you’re really good at staying the course. At least your new track suit resists gravy stains.
Aquarius: In truth there is beauty, but that little white lie looks pretty good when it shakes its booty at you. Keep yourself zipped up, because tomorrow morning that cute fib will be a hairy, hungover monster.
Pisces: Multi-tasking? Please. Just tasking itself doesn’t come easy to you. Still, haul yourself up and bake a few pies. If you have a finger in all of them, the sugar rush will keep up your momentum.
Aries: For the new year, you hit the ground running. Quite a feat when you’re pushed out of a moving car. At least your resolution about more exercise won’t be another drunken fib.
Taurus: It’s now 2013, so you can stop writing 1998 on all your checks. The bull is notoriously slow to move, but try to be faster than an arthritic tortoise this year. You can also toss those unused calendars from 1979.
Gemini: Good fortune comes your way on Thursday, so wave at it when it marches past your door and heads straight to your ungrateful neighbor’s house. Maybe next time you can pull a Kathy Bates and keep it around, Misery-style.
Cancer: You’re only slightly singed after a hot date with a flame-eater on Friday. After you stop, drop and roll, you can honestly say you’ve stopped smoking for the new year.
Leo: Thanks to a karmic mix-up, you’ll get someone else’s way, while they get yours. Although you’re used to getting your own way all the time, this might be a pleasant change. Not for you, of course, but for those around you.
Virgo: Variety is the spice of life, so think of Saturday as your own personal cinnamon challenge. It looks easy, but it doesn’t go down well, and someone’s usually videotaping your sputtering performance.
Libra: You don’t ask for the best in life, but you would appreciate it if the universe would quit sticking used chewing gum in your hair. Put away the peanut butter, because you’re about to get your wish; the gum will now be attached to your shoe.
Scorpio: You may not have substance, but you have style, so expect your 15 minutes of fame to start any day now. Show a little skin and you could stretch that to an hour every week on the E! Network.
Sagittarius: An opportunity comes along and demands that you think on your feet. Stay on your toes and you can nail this. Just be glad they didn’t make you think on your brain. That never works.
Capricorn: Nothing says love like old-fashioned home cooking. Better start wooing some sweeties, because one more cheap-ass TV dinner, and you’re going to snap. Flirt with anyone watching the Food Network on the display TVs at Walmart.
Aquarius: It’s fine to know your limits, but in this case, they’re farther away than you think. Keep going; they’re way out there, with crop circles and grey aliens joyriding in UFOs.
Pisces: You’ve had a steady diet of peace, love and harmony. Now you really want a caffeinated jolt of ambition and success. Take small sips. If you have too much, too soon, you’ll be jittery and quoting Michael Douglas movies all day.
Aries: Looks like the Mayans were wrong, so put your pants back on, apologize to that busload of nuns and beg your boss to re-hire you. Your resolution for 2013? Don’t take advice from long-gone civilizations, including Atlantis, ancient Egyptians and little gray aliens.
Taurus: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you’ve hoarded 34 boxes of Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, sell those suckers on eBay fast.
Gemini: Although Christmas is done, you still have one more gift coming to you. No, it’s not a pony, but it could be that extra bit of luck to get you through the winter months.
Cancer: When you finally wake up on Wednesday, you’ll notice two things: there’s now a toolbox and spray paint on your nightstand, and your Facebook relationship status has been updated to: Squealed Like a Pig. Next New Year’s Eve, don’t toast with EverClear.
Leo: Just your luck, you get the one lemming who refuses to tumble over the edge. Thank goodness it’s the one that does your taxes, otherwise there would be a lot of ramen noodles waiting for you at the bottom of the fiscal cliff.
Virgo: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. No worries if it doesn’t fit: your dirty gym sock of an outlook is still waiting for you.
Libra: The beauty of life isn’t in the telling, it’s in the sharing, which is why you should wear a face mask for a couple of weeks until everyone quits coughing on you. Remember, nothing says “personal space” like a blast of Lysol in the face.
Scorpio: You’ve survived Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the Christmas Eve Crunch. Now you have something truly important to enjoy: after-Christmas sales! Perhaps next year you and the family can just celebrate the holidays while in the checkout line.
Sagittarius: Even though you have the best of intentions with your resolutions, remember to take it easy. If you run too fast in that track suit, you’ll be slapping around more than Zsa Zsa Gabor at a policeman’s convention.
Capricorn: Your New Year’s parties are legendary, but this time you’ve outdone yourself. Who knew you could squeeze three reindeer, nine elves and seven drunk starlets into one pop-up tent? Apparently baby oil and egg nog margaritas are terrific icebreakers.
Aquarius: You’re looking forward to a better year, and with good reason: 2012 sucked like a tornado in a trailer park. Here’s hoping that 2013 will blow you the right way.
Pisces: Sarcasm is a gift that renews itself every single day, especially if you watch TV or talk to your fellow man. Dip into your stash willingly and often, and you’ll sail through this new year.